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So i hate to admit it but i’ve been reading articles on "How to Break Up" and "How to get over a Break up" and such …wow that was tough to read. it all becomes so real. it hasn’t been done and i’m not even sure whether it will happen. i mean we haven’t met, is it over already just because i changed my "status" and he’s probably been asked about it by his friends? or is he not doing anything because he expects us to talk first and he’ll ask for forgiveness like he always does? ..on his knees and all as always?
i know it was unforgivable. i know he can’t possibly love me if he said all those things. but does that mean it negates the past year and 4 months? negating the love he claimed he had for me and the "wanting to marry me" part? am i to expect that when i get back …he won’t make contact unless i do?
if that’s the case then does that mean we’re already broken up? i mean if he doesn’t get in touch …am i to get in touch out of respect for the relationship that "was" and say it out loud so both of us know there’s no going back? but then my ego kicks in…if it is over and i go back and eventually decide after not hearing from him that i DO want my closure or ego boost or whatever and so need to have it done face-to-face l.ike all my break-ups? will he know what’s coming and throw it in my face by breaking it off with me right then…he Is a coward so for him to just say it in a text or when i call to meet up won’t be a surprise. but then my ego refuses to take that risk? but will he be THAT big of a coward to not face me even if it’s to try and convince me to stay? or is it simple that he’s done. bored. over it. i’m just making it important whereas it isn’t anymore. there’s no need for that finality?
then if that’s the case, what an insult! what a waste of my life and time! how could he be so effing inconsiderate? maybe i should’ve played the bastard after all …atleast i would’ve been safe.
if that’s the case. i HATE relationships. i hate men and i hate …a lot.
if that’s the case then what’s the point in trying ever again? love just doesn’t seem to be in the cards for me so why do i keep bothering? i mean i think 6 relationships is plenty of failure for a whole lifetime! the guys may not have been serious but I was! i was done and they weren’t. and i had to pick up what was left of me and try again and after this? will there be anything left of me to pickup? won’t my prince charming ever come?
i mean i believe in destiny and fate and have faith in God and then i believe in soul mates and true love and also in what pays the bills and what’s practical in life. then why is it so tough to keep one effing simple relationship?
but then it makes me think…when i look back and think about "us". i loved him. love him. loved him? like anything…more than i thought "I" was capable of but happy for him to have come into my life and prove me wrong? so then is that the only reason God sent him to me? to prepare me for the REAL love of my life? who will come and i will love him not fearing anymore that i’m incapable of love but KNOWING that i AM? and he will love me in return. for who i am. what i represent. every fault in me from my crazy dominant tendencies to my psycho anger to my complete and utter devotion to him even if his …fucking finger gets cut off and he’s so depressed and his tears make me hurt and his pain makes me flinch…
how could this not have been love if I could feel the pain of another? if i could cry because they were sad and never infront of them JUST to be strong where i was falling apart just by seeing them fall apart? how could this not have been meant to be? how could i have been so easily fooled? ME? the one who thought she couldn’t love?
how can someone be so disrespectful and forget so completely how this person who loved them was there through so much that others would have run away from.
i supported you when you hurt. you called ME when your finger got cut off. i rushed to the hospital to your side and all i saw when i saw your finger cut off and bloody with the bone sticking out was how i had to distract you from looking at it and comfort you and not show you how absolutely horrifying it all looked! how i HATED to not be able to take a knife and split open the driver who did that to you and how i regretted letting you drive that bike when i KNEW that if i had said no…you would never have gotten it. how i hated that I wasn’t a plastic surgeon who could’ve reattached it for you or not been so young that i woulld’ve gotten some awesome doctor. how i hated not having come up with the idea of taking you to shifa before anything so right now you would have your finger and not have gone through all that pain that you went through. how i hated that i wasn’t rich enough to get you a prosthetic right there and then when you said those two words to me …"it’s gone"
how it didn’t matter who was there and who saw because you needed me and i held your hand whether my mother saw or not. i didn’t care. you needed me.
how i stayed with you every night for a month when you were too scared to fall asleep alone and then sneak about once you’d fallen asleep to get home to my disapproving mother at 7 in the morning just to be back with you after a few hours of sleep myself. how you hated me more and more and would say whatever mean thing you could come up with that would rip me on the inside but i would care only about you and say nothing nor show my hurt because YOURS was more important to me. what you were going through had priority over my family, my studies and myself yet i never showed it to you. how it hurt to see you hurt but i didn’t cry even though everytime i wasn’t with you and i didn’t HAVE to be strong…i would want to fall apart but i knew i’d have to see you a little while after it and i couldn’t show you that i had cried…it wasn’t about me. it had all been about you.
so then how is it so easy for you to hurt me when i could think of nothing but your feelings for 3 months straight?
how can i not give up? i gave you everything i had and it wasn’t enough for you. so then how can i put myself back together and make it ready to be handed over to the next guy who’ll probably be unworthy and rip me apart all over? there’s only so much a person can take right?
you can’t expect someone to feel real solid love and then get over it the next day and be totally ok without it. it’s like… like cutting…you cut when you were numb from a different pain so you didn’t feel the pain of the actual cut…then days went by and that pain healed (my hurt from your insults healed, time went by and i realised that i could got over how someone i love can degrade me so badly) and now …the only pain i feel…is the pain of the cut, the wound that’s left after the originally pain…the cause of the wound is gone. the cause of the cut may be gone but the cut is a wound. it will not fade. it will not heal in a day and it will NOT stay numb.
the hurt from it had begun. it’ll be in bursts. just like any normal pain…i feel it when i’m not distracted and when i am, it’s there but pushed away. the depth of the cut can only be told my the depth of the original pain. if the original pain was great, the cut was deeply made.
i know time heals all wounds. i know ali was a wound that took 2 years to heal for an 11 month relationship. and that was a different kind of love. so what can i say about this one? since this was more realistic? more from my side during and after…will it take double the time as well? will it take 3 years for this year and 4 month relationship? that’s a lot of time wasted. a lot of time on top of the time of my life that i gave you which you so conveniently threw in my face with so few insulting words.
you were truly ungrateful. and therefore, truly unworthy.
i was a fool.
Preconscious 
Hi,
I was going through your blog, its like a diary entry about your life. You might find this useful. Check this out: http://mahakhalid.wordpress.com/2011/06/28/boots-boys-they-like-to-call-themselves-men/
I think like you she’s also from Pakistan. A friend refered me to this blog on my current trip here to Pakistan. I found her blog intriguing. Maybe you do too :)
cheers
Hey Alexie,
Thanks for the suggestion! Maha is definitely from Pakistan :).
Yea, my older posts are basically like journal entries. So you’re visiting Pakistan? I hope your trip is going well.
Thanks again!
As for the who-is-breaking-up-with-who, you need to think about it. Forget about the status updates and what you have said to people. You’re not breaking up with him for me and A and facebook, you’re doing it for yourself. And obviously I’m biased but you’re a big girl, you don’t need to justify your decisions to anyone. I can sit here and tl you to break up with him but I’m nit part of your relationship. You are making this decision yourself. You know I’ll support you no matter what you decide and same goes for A. This is about you and not what other people thing. You need to sit down with yourself and ask yourself those questions about him and honestly answer. Obviously the relationship had it’s good parts, were they good enough to make up for the bad? Will he try to change? Can you be more patient? Will you be happy at 32? What wi happen if there’s another fight? These are things only you know the answers to and deep inside you know you have the answer, you just have to look in yourself instead of asking for justification from the outer world.
Once you break up with him, if you do break up with him. It will hurt but not for 11 months because Ali was different. He was your first love, you were ripped apart without any say in it and he still does love you. It will hurt. You did give him a lot but you’ll be hurting for yourself not him. You’ll be hurting for Maheen who put up with all the BS, Maheen who gave it her all, Maheen who sat by his bedside, Maheen who tried to make him happy, Maheen who thought her future was set. Because you know he’s not the one you’re crying over. You’re crying over the loss of a relationship, the loss of a love, the loss of security. Not a loss of N because at the end of the day, he didn’t give you a working relationship or a true love or real security. You know you’re mourning because all your hard work went unnoticed. And fuck, it’s just really unfair. You’re mourning because it was very unfair.
As for will you find true love… I’m not god so I can’t tell you that you definitely will but you probably will. Every guy you eliminate is a step closer to the real thing. And what’s the alternative? Being depressed forever, settling for an idiot? No, you’re too good for that. You’re too good of a girlfriend for someone to not recognize it. And you’re 21 years old. You’re young, okay?If you live to a hundred, at least 20% of your life is over, can you afford to spent 80% of your life bitter and alone or with a dud? No. You’ll find a perfect guy who will appreciate you and he’ll have his quirks but he will love you for you at the end of the day. And he’ll promise to make YOU happy and will spend the rest of his life doing it for you.
Oh and by the way, don’t plan on being this sad again. I’m going to see you in 3 days and we’re going to have so much fun you’ll forget his name by next week.
were the good parts enough to make up for the bad…they would’ve been before the whole calling me a whore came into the picture, after that, there’s nothing that can make the good better. he’ll say he’ll change if he wants to stay but i’m not too sure he will. close-minded people don’t become more open-minded over night. i’m not sure i can be patient, i’ve been plenty patient. no i probably won’t be happy at 32 but i can’t be sure…which is what’s so tough. usually i’m so sure, should i wait for a time when i WILL be sure?
i know what answers i have right now but what if i’ll have better answers in more time…should i give it that time?
you got it right, i am mourning and will be mourning the loss of security, comfort, love and the relationship that i put my all into. it Was very unfair…
i know i always end up losing hope and then settle for some loser but i think this time, the solution is for me to take time like 3 to 6 months of time to just not be in a relationship. just be with me and get to know what i really want in a guy…i know, i have too much love in me to give for God to not make someone for me to give it all to. it doesn’t make sense any other way..
lol i’ll try but i guess it’s just weighing on me because i don’t have anything to distract me and all i can think about is how i’m stuck in the middle with no decision having been made yet and i’m in the same city for me to call him up and be like ok we need to talk…
anyway, come soon…i need you :)
p.s. <33
Were the good parts enough to make up for the bad…they would’ve been before the whole calling me a whore came into the picture, after that, there’s nothing that can make the good better.
Exactly. See. This is stuff that you can say and you have to decide on your own. IMO, the second he even brought up your v-card was the end. But I’m so glad that you see it like that. Like, I’ve been worrying for the past few days if you really wanted to do this or like maybe I pushed you too much to break up with him or I don’t know all the facts Maybe he’s not all that bad. Because, see? I don’t know. I don’t really know the guy. All I know is through is facebook and your opinion of him. But when I hear you and how you know this isn’t right, that’s when I’m like… k you forget who you’re dealing with, it’s Maheen. She knows what she’s doing. She doesn’t need anyone to tell her.
And about the answers, you know when you have it right. And like you said up there, is he really going to change? Why should you have to wait around when you could be living your life? What if he never changes and then you’re just fucked?
You’re right, you do have a lot of love in you. You have a lot of love to give to everyone. That’s just the person you are. And like I keep telling you, you’re a good fucking girlfriend okay. Like one of the best. You have the whole package and tons of people know that already. It’s just a matter of weeding out the bad ones.
Yeah, I wish I was there with you now :( like we’re spending so much time distracting Kathryn from her breakup and she’s having so much fun. Today, we barhopped and hooked up with this guy and all I could think about was that exactly a year ago, it was you me and Kathryn at Redroom and that it should be you out here having fun with us and enjoying being single. Don’t worry though. You’ll be with Amira in a day and I’ll get there in another two days and we will PARTY!!!!!
This time she realized she didn’t want to waste another two and a half years. It hurts to think of all the effort you put into it- but think about it as a year and a half of growing up and learning about relationships. Like okay, say you forgive him. Will he promise to change? K, I’ll take that back because it’s N. Will he promise to change and actually do it? If you marry him, can you rely on him? Can you trust him to keep your secrets safe without a backlash? Do you think he’ll support you like you supported him? Will he be able to man up and take care of you and your kids? Do you want to be 32 with two kids before you realize you can’t be with him. You just need to picture a 32 year old Maheen and see what she would say to you. Would she wish she broke up with N at 21 or is she grateful she didn’t?
Secondly, you need to look at why you want to stay. You love him, you are comfortable and you’ve spent a lot of time on him. Is he still worth it nowthat you know this much about him? You feel remorse but is it from losing him or losing the relationship? It’s hard ti be the one who decides it’s over but you need to be the strong one and look at it objectionally. He doesn’t want it to end? But why? Is he going to miss you, the relationship or the comfort of having you? Because I hate to see you be with a guy who wants you because it makes him happy. Like Hugh Hefner, he can go on and say he loves his soandso playmate girlfriend but what he really loves is their boobs and how they fawn over him.
I don’t know why he wouldn’t. What I think will happen is that he’ll bide his time and then grovel with gusto.
He’s leaving it until you’re home which is hilarious because he’s usually a pussy and wait till you’re out of the country to say something hurtful.
Maybe he figures that he’ll be more convincing if he is alone.
If he actually does want to break up with you, it won’t be about anything other than the fact that he doesn’t want to hurt his ego. He knows that you’re done with him and he wants to be the man about it.
Well, no. I think even by now, if he tries to break up with you. He’s fooling himself. If he texts you or calls and says… I’m breaking up with you. Just be like, buddy I’ve been broken up with you since mid-September. Please GTFO.
Yea i guess that’s the only way i can take it, that the reason for his coming into my life was for me to learn that i’m capable of loving so fully and being faithful and all of that so when i actually DO find the guy i’m meant to be with …i’ll know that it’s real because i’ll feel all that love again for him and for the guys that i don’t feel it for…i won’t waste my time on them.
if i forgive him, it’ll truly be a mistake because this issue has come up before and he HAS said that he’d change so even if he says he will…i have no trust left to give him.. he won’t actually do it even though he’ll probably promise. if i marry him, no i can’t imagine relying on him. no i can’t trust him to keep my secrets safe without backlash …i’ve had backlash way too many times to not expect it in the future. especially after he said with his own mouth that he can’t guarantee it not coming up again.. he is incapable of supporting me the way i’ve supported him. he can never man up, he’s too much of a child and he may take care of his kids but won’t know how to take care of me.
hahaha wow the 32 yr old Maheen would tell me to not be an idiot and waste anymore time on this loser. that’s the perfect way of helping me look at this by the way :D
that’s the thing..i’m not too sure that he is but i’m not dead sure that he isn’t. which is why i hurt more. usually i’ve been dead sure about breaking up and when i haven’t, i’ve always ended up getting back with the guy so i don’t know how to make myself sure of this!
i feel remorse mostly because i put so much of myself into this and it’s all going to waste. i was very comfortable. i was done and finished. to start all over again is just something i didn’t want to do anymore and now i’ll have to…
i’m not even so sure that he doesn’t want it to end. i think he does by now. ..i’m not too sure he’ll miss me either. or not till a while later when he realizes that he let a good thing slip right out of his hand. probably the comfort of having me is what he’ll miss in the beginning and maybe later on as well or maybe he’ll learn to live without that later which is when he’ll realize that he let a good thing go.
<333
Well, first of all. You need to stop blaming yourself. You did everything right. It takes a really cold-hearted person to not forgive some for whatever mistake they made when they keep telling you all the time how much they love you and you’re definitely not that. So obviously you believed he was the real deal, every time he did something wrong, he covered it up like a pro and you’re not a suspicious person. You’re not a fool, he’s the fool. You have an open heart and an open mind. Which is such a good thing, if you don’t have that, you’ll never make a relationship work. The thing is that you’re in for it for you and him while he’s only in for it for him. You’re having an adult relationship while he’s having a teenage romance. You’re not naive, he just didn’t give you a good enough reason to leave. If a guy starts promising you the stars? Wouln’t you take him up on the offer? We both know how hard it is to find a guy who wouldn’t fuck around and is actually serious in Pakistan. It’s hard to kind of step back and say… well how are you getting these stars for me? Okay, fine you promised them to me and I don’t care if you won’t be able to do it but try right? You can’t say you’re completely into doing something just to make me happy when you don’t mean a word of it.
As for the breaking up part, it is hard to do. Especially when you still love the person. I was talking to Kath and I was like, I’m glad you seem so happy now. You’d never think you just got out of a three year relationship and she’s like… I’m not always happy but I know that I’m relieved. Because she knew it wasn’t going anywhere. She had forgiven him for his mistakes over and over again and he’d make up for it by calling her all the time and buying her concert tickets, anything to make her forgive him except to actually change. Like what kind of a boyfriend ditches his girlfriend on her birthday… two years in a row? What kind of a boyfriend implies that his girlfriend made a huge mistake about her virginity, insults her and then sits back and expects her to do something about it? These boys are just not good people and when last time, she broke up with him, she said she went back because she invested two and a half years in him.
Re: <333
I know, i’m not blaming myself. it’s his fault, i tried as hard as i could and he gave up as soon as he could.
Yea that’s the thing, it’s hard to find a guy who doesn’t screw around so when you find one who genuinely seems serious, you try not to let him go but they’re never worth it…