Ok so i realize that the more i don’t go, the more i don’t want to go. but hey i don’t want to go even when i AM going! it’s just like all those schools i hated only worse. this determines my career! ok so i got pushed into it so since i’ve given up what i first had in mind, i have to go through with it hoping that once it all really starts…i won’t be one of those people who hate their jobs.
hopefully i can pull something out of this. an option which i won’t regret, and be happy with it for the rest of my life.
so the dilemna?… how do i get myself to that point!
i keep telling myself that i don’t give a shit and even if i have to start the whole thing all over i will just as long as i get out of this place. but then i think, what if i try to atleast get through with the time i have so i have the option of going into 2nd year or starting all over as opposed to only having the option of starting all over. what if i regret it later when i’m older and think that i wasted a year of my life just coz i was being impatient or something! but i really hate this. i can’t stand waking up in the morning and getting ready to go to a place i hate with people i don’t give a shit for. and yeah ok i understand some of the classes if i pay attention but i’m hardly ever paying attention coz i simply just can’t seem to get myself to care. i’m too resentful about how i’m still stuck here and the only way out is always to be patient. haven’t i been patient for 8 fucking years! how much patient must i be! i can’t stand this and then i start falling back into the feeling where i wanna just take a couple of pills and sleep till i forget all this shit that’s hanging over my head.
i’m usually good with pressure when there’s only 2 ways to go. i can’t handle complicated and pressure at once, i loose my way and my mind. i loose my strength.
i keep trying to motivate myself by saying that i’m really good when i set my mind to something. all i need is will power and i can achieve anything! so the dilemna?… how do i get that will power!
i can’t say that i had it and i’ve lost it. it comes and goes but usually when i do get it, nothing stands in the way of me completing my goal. lately! everything seems to be pulling me away, and i give in because i forget that i need it and focus on the present situation. do anything to convince myself that i hate the situation and to rebel against it, i must go ahead and escape. no offense to friends/ loved ones but you’re pulling me away. mayeb it’s just me making up an excuse or maybe it IS you and just when i decide to go for something, you come in and distract me from the thing i need most.
i just realized! now i know why i had will-power before! because i was alone. it was me and the only person i could rely on was myself. if i didn’t do it, no one would. i’d be alone with nothing left.
now with these people here, i’ve forgotton to be that way. i’ve forgotten that at the end of the day i’m alone. i alone will help myself. I need to achieve this or i will have nothing. now you make me feel like i have you to fall back on. i don’t, but it’s the illusion you’ve made in my mind. i can’t seem to get rid of it coz just when i think i am, you get offended and pull me right back in. i’m too nice to say that i’m gonna be selfish and not let you distract me from my life’s goals.
i came into this world alone and i will die alone. so why can i not survive alone. that’s what you poeple have made me forget! i CAN survive alone, i don’t NEED you in my life. i WANT you in it because life is better with you. but life won’t stop without you there, it’ll move on, it’ll seem to move slower but it will move. time will pass and i will grow.
so what i really need to realize, to get through my head in such a way that i start thinking on those lines again, is that i can survive alone. i can only depend on myself in this life, i have to provide for myself. i have to achieve this, to reach a place, a standing in this world that will keep me satisfied. so that when i’m older, i’m relaxed. i can look back and say “hey! i WAS somebody!”
so ok i’ll try to push you away again and hope that you don’t stand in my way coz i might not be nice this time. i will be selfish when it comes to this and push you away. i will achieve this. i will work my butt off so i have an option. and option of the place i want to be and the way i want my life to go, my future to turn out. you can try but you can’t stop me. independece is the most important thing i’ve ever learnt about in my life and so help me God, i will give anything just to be able to have it.
sacrifices have to be made when you want to move ahead. so for my future, i will sacrifice the present if i have to. atleast i’ll never be able to regret not trying hard enough to get out. even if i have to wait a bit to be able to, atleast i’ll have a good reason to get out, a reason which might keep me happy once i am out.
so here’s to freedom …i’ll see you soon.