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So i hate to admit it but i’ve been reading articles on "How to Break Up" and "How to get over a Break up" and such …wow that was tough to read. it all becomes so real. it hasn’t been done and i’m not even sure whether it will happen. i mean we haven’t met, is it over already just because i changed my "status" and he’s probably been asked about it by his friends? or is he not doing anything because he expects us to talk first and he’ll ask for forgiveness like he always does? ..on his knees and all as always?

i know it was unforgivable. i know he can’t possibly love me if he said all those things. but does that mean it negates the past year and 4 months? negating the love he claimed he had for me and the "wanting to marry me" part? am i to expect that when i get back …he won’t make contact unless i do?
if that’s the case then does that mean we’re already broken up? i mean if he doesn’t get in touch …am i to get in touch out of respect for the relationship that "was" and say it out loud so both of us know there’s no going back? but then my ego kicks in…if it is over and i go back and eventually decide after not hearing from him that i DO want my closure or ego boost or whatever and so need to have it done face-to-face l.ike all my break-ups? will he know what’s coming and throw it in my face by breaking it off with me right then…he Is a coward so for him to just say it in a text or when i call to meet up won’t be a surprise. but then my ego refuses to take that risk? but will he be THAT big of a coward to not face me even if it’s to try and convince me to stay? or is it simple that he’s done. bored. over it. i’m just making it important whereas it isn’t anymore. there’s no need for that finality?

then if that’s the case, what an insult! what a waste of my life and time! how could he be so effing inconsiderate? maybe i should’ve played the bastard after all …atleast i would’ve been safe.
if that’s the case. i HATE relationships. i hate men and i hate …a lot. 
if that’s the case then what’s the point in trying ever again? love just doesn’t seem to be in the cards for me so why do i keep bothering? i mean i think 6 relationships is plenty of failure for a whole lifetime! the guys may not have been serious but I was! i was done and they weren’t. and i had to pick up what was left of me and try again and after this? will there be anything left of me to pickup? won’t my prince charming ever come?
i mean i believe in destiny and fate and have faith in God and then i believe in soul mates and true love and also in what pays the bills and what’s practical in life. then why is it so tough to keep one effing simple relationship?
but then it makes me think…when i look back and think about "us". i loved him. love him. loved him? like anything…more than i thought "I" was capable of but happy for him to have come into my life and prove me wrong? so then is that the only reason God sent him to me? to prepare me for the REAL love of my life? who will come and i will love him not fearing anymore that i’m incapable of love but KNOWING that i AM? and he will love me in return. for who i am. what i represent. every fault in me from my crazy dominant tendencies to my psycho anger to my complete and utter devotion to him even if his …fucking finger gets cut off and he’s so depressed and his tears make me hurt and his pain makes me flinch…

how could this not have been love if I could feel the pain of another? if i could cry because they were sad and never infront of them JUST to be strong where i was falling apart just by seeing them fall apart? how could this not have been meant to be? how could i have been so easily fooled? ME? the one who thought she couldn’t love?
how can someone be so disrespectful and forget so completely how this person who loved them was there through so much that others would have run away from.

i supported you when you hurt. you called ME when your finger got cut off. i rushed to the hospital to your side and all i saw when i saw your finger cut off and bloody with the bone sticking out was how i had to distract you from looking at it and comfort you and not show you how absolutely horrifying it all looked! how i HATED to not be able to take a knife and split open the driver who did that to you and how i regretted letting you drive that bike when i KNEW that if i had said no…you would never have gotten it. how i hated that I wasn’t a plastic surgeon who could’ve reattached it for you or not been so young that i woulld’ve gotten some awesome doctor. how i hated not having come up with the idea of taking you to shifa before anything so right now you would have your finger and not have gone through all that pain that you went through. how i hated that i wasn’t rich enough to get you a prosthetic right there and then when you said those two words to me …"it’s gone"
how it didn’t matter who was there and who saw because you needed me and i held your hand whether my mother saw or not. i didn’t care. you needed me.
how i stayed with you every night for a month when you were too scared to fall asleep alone and then sneak about once you’d fallen asleep to get home to my disapproving mother at 7 in the morning just to be back with you after a few hours of sleep myself. how you hated me more and more and would say whatever mean thing you could come up with that would rip me on the inside but i would care only about you and say nothing nor show my hurt because YOURS was more important to me. what you were going through had priority over my family, my studies and myself yet i never showed it to you. how it hurt to see you hurt but i didn’t cry even though everytime i wasn’t with you and i didn’t HAVE to be strong…i would want to fall apart but i knew i’d have to see you a little while after it and i couldn’t show you that i had cried…it wasn’t about me. it had all been about you.
so then how is it so easy for you to hurt me when i could think of nothing but your feelings for 3 months straight?

how can i not give up? i gave you everything i had and it wasn’t enough for you. so then how can i put myself back together and make it ready to be handed over to the next guy who’ll probably be unworthy and rip me apart all over? there’s only so much a person can take right?

you can’t expect someone to feel real solid love and then get over it the next day and be totally ok without it. it’s like… like cutting…you cut when you were numb from a different pain so you didn’t feel the pain of the actual cut…then days went by and that pain healed (my hurt from your insults healed, time went by and i realised that i could got over how someone i love can degrade me so badly) and now …the only pain i feel…is the pain of the cut, the wound that’s left after the originally pain…the cause of the wound is gone. the cause of the cut may be gone but the cut is a wound. it will not fade. it will not heal in a day and it will NOT stay numb.
the hurt from it had begun. it’ll be in bursts. just like any normal pain…i feel it when i’m not distracted and when i am, it’s there but pushed away. the depth of the cut can only be told my the depth of the original pain. if the original pain was great,  the cut was deeply made.

i know time heals all wounds. i know ali was a wound that took 2 years to heal for an 11 month relationship. and that was a different kind of love. so what can i say about this one? since this was more realistic? more from my side during and after…will it take double the time as well? will it take 3 years for this year and 4 month relationship? that’s a lot of time wasted. a lot of time on top of the time of my life that i gave you which you so conveniently threw in my face with so few insulting words.

you were truly ungrateful. and therefore, truly unworthy.

i was a fool.

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