I seem to be stuck in a rut. It’s like I always take a full circle and end up back where I started.
I’ve often understood it to be like the tide; it comes in waves and sometimes the wave is high and sometimes ignorable. Maybe I just do this to myself. Lady Antebellum – Need You Now referred to this feeling as ‘guess I’d rather feel hurt than feel nothing at all’.
It’s a tendency I’ve seen in myself… to lean towards depression rather than nothing. It’s like if I don’t feel an extreme emotion, I automatically assume it’s numbness. My heart gets confused and leans towards the closest extreme emotion. Which can obviously then either be depression or happiness. Again, my tendency – towards depression. Its a feeling I know well and it’s comforting. It’s like home.
The odd thing is, no matter what, I always had an outlet. Right now, I look around and I see none. Its a foreign feeling to me. I really hope that it’s just one of those days where I can just chalk it up to being tired and deprived of sleep – my mental defenses are weak. Day to day I can keep these thoughts out so well that I start thinking that they’re gone. But they never leave.
I seem to be stuck. And it comes in waves.
Maybe it was the dream? It was strong… I can’t think about it, i don’t want to feel that… I’ve never felt so much pain,,
Dream interpretation mostly seems to point towards wish fulfillment and the subconscious trying to work through one’s issues. But what about when it’s the opposite? What about when it’s just all a re-enactment of the pain? How many ways does my sub-conscious want me to relive it all? How much further does it want to push me? How many other ways can one feel a loss?…