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Right on schedule or am I over analyzing? I told you I’d figured it out. I figured out the formula. This is just how it works in your little bubble. Why do you always ignore it till it actually happens? Are you happy now? Here it is. Here we go again?

Self destruction is a way of life. Seriously! It is! Well, maybe not for everyone. But it seems to be the only constant thing in my life.

Consistent. Unwavering. Constant.

Consistency is the only way any of it makes sense. If there is no consistency, no constant, there is no system. Without a system, there is chaos. One must always have a system because no matter what you do or how hard you try, life will bring in the chaos. It seeks a balance. There must always be balance.

Balance and consistency. And chaos.

So is it just a wall simply in need of tearing down or is it the end of the road? Maybe self destruction has become a way of self preservation. A paradox yet possible. One feeds into the other and the other feeds into the one. A vicious, inescapable cycle that will eventually lead to nothing. Sweet nothing.

Yet, I’m not allowed to think so. It is prohibited. It is misunderstood and will stay so. One cannot understand what one cannot see, feel, touch, hear, breathe.

In 20 years, it will be nothing. In 10 years, it will be nothing. Yet nothing is not so easily achieved as one might wish. Why not attempt at nothingness? Because we create so many attachments. So many responsibilities, so many burdens. You cannot take what you have not earned. Such is the law, even for nothingness. It cannot be taken, it must be earned.

So you continue to try to fill the gaps. The little holes that the chaos chips away and you’re self destructive because it’s all you’ve known. It’s the one thing that is constant. The one thing that can never leave your side.

Don’t you think I know I’m going around in circles? Don’t you think I know that I have been here before? Don’t you think I know that with each turn, whatever good remains is always stripped away.

And what do You think will be left one day? A person or a monster? A monster without love, without want, without compassion, without care. A monster with hate, with bitterness, with anger, with venom, with hypocrisy, with condescension, with violence, with spite, with vengeance, with destruction.

So now that You see it take its course, do You still wish it so?
Do You still wish for more?
Let me tell You one thing – There isn’t anything more you could take away.
Only bear in mind, what are You willing to inflict on the other souls in your care?
For this one is already beyond repair.

Right on schedule? Who cares anymore. The formula only works if you’ve got something on the line. None of it matters if there is nothing at stake. So life goes on and so shall you. It is the one thing that cannot change. Nothingness is something that must be earned. So if you wish it, earn it.

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