And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It’s always darkest before the dawn
So many people ask me why I focus on all the bad in the world; on all the bad that happens to women in the world; and all the bad that happens to women in my own country. I guess deep down, it’s not just that I want the world to open its eyes; it’s because when all you see is bad from the time you’re young, you kind of don’t know what good looks like. So I read and I read and yes it is sad and horrific to you but you know what, it’s something that seems so usual to me. So I need to read, to see your reaction, to know that there is a difference between the good and bad. If I didn’t read the horror and see their opinions on ‘what is wrong with rape or incest or abuse’, I’d never know that the world contains more than just the horror.
Because all I see …is the bad, the abuse, the hurt, the lies, the oppression.
Sometimes, there’s a black hole hovering right above. Slowly sucking away every little inch; it pulls you in, bit by bit. It pulls you in from the inside out. It engulfs and it devours. From the inside out till there’s nothing left but an empty shell. An empty shell at the misery of which it revels. It basks in the glory of its work and it taunts. The shell that wishes for nothing more but to be devoured completely; devoured and lost, taken in through time and space with no more pain and no more sorrow.
Happiness is an empty promise. A promise made often yet leaving a lot to be desired. What is happiness but a moment when she smiles? What is sorrow but a lifetime where He tests her?
Maybe He loves her in the only way she has known love. Maybe He knows that is the only way she will remember His presence. In those fleeting moments of happiness, she will be grateful to Him; and on that long winded path of nothingness, she will never forget Him.
That is her test of faith. That is the only way she knows Him.
People hold memories so dear to them. They hold them tight. Those memories make them who they are. And what is who you are when the only memories you seem to hold on to are the reason that black hole is never too far gone. It remembers, and it revisits.
The memories are a reminder of what you want to forget. So in a child of 9, it was so easy to forget. For innocence is such a fleeting thing: Once lost, can never be regained. No saviour to wipe it all away; just wolves in sheep’s clothing to add to the scars.
It’s those scars that will never be erased. Those scars that we learn to bear with grace. That is all one can do, isn’t it? Bear them with grace, and pray that you find solace soon.
Pray that He will have mercy, and let you see more than just a few fleeting moments of happiness.[youtube http://youtu.be/WbN0nX61rIs]