2013, abuse, acceptance, alternate universe, anger, another life, argument, denial anger bargaining depression acceptance, disrespect, emotional abuse, fight, freedom, goodbye, goodbyes, Grief, Hate, heartbreak, infinity and beyond, Lessons, let you go, letting go, Life, love, Marriage, Memories, New Year, physical abuse, promises, relationships, romance, rude, set you free, toxic, trust, violent, years
The sun is out again today. After a week of nothing but fog, there’s finally a ray of sunshine in my beloved city. I figured the fog would be the one to inspire me to write. It was to be my muse. Despite making me feel like I should write; it bore no inspiration for me as I hoped it would. My writer’s block didn’t go away …not until I finally saw some light.
There is this feeling… I wanted to admit it yet I was afraid of it. Part of me in fear that it could actually be true and part of me, in fear that it was just a lull in the storm.
In another world, they are still together. In another world, they went ahead and bought that beautiful emerald shaped sapphire twice encircled with the small rubies. In that world, he set up the most elaborate proposal because he knew she deserved nothing less. He got only the native roses because he loved the twinkle in her eyes when she’d catch their scent. He got down on one knee and made her heart race as he promised to love and cherish her forever.
They managed to make his family see the goodness in her. The goodness that had made him fall in love with her in the first place. The goodness that had seen him through the roller coaster that had been his life. And they all finally saw that they were …a family.
In another world, she’s excited right now as she sits down with him, on that white couch where many a nights were spent watching movies, to plan for the details of their engagement. To plan for their future …together. They still fight with the a fire that burned as passionate as their love. And their love is strong because they know that they are together.
In another world, she is with him – Her perfectly Imperfect Man.
I can’t live in a world where you don’t love me.
– Clark to Earth-Two Lois, Smallville Season 10 Ep. 10 Luthor.
Part of me is afraid that this is a lull in the storm and part of me is afraid that it might be final. Afraid of the lull for I am weary from battling the storm. The unrelenting storm that has stayed with me for almost two years. Afraid of the finality of this change for it may mean that I will never be back here again. And change is something to be feared for the unknown that it brings with it.
Late night of December 31, 2012, I walked back onto the dance floor from the garden outside and I turned to find myself right next to him as he spoke to his girlfriend. It took me a second to register what turn my night had taken. And the following second, I was pulled into a different room by a friend. The next encounter was when a mutual friend pointed out his car as it drove away past us before the night’s end.
On that New Years eve, I set him free.
Like coming out of a fog, the reality was all of a sudden so clear. The man I knew no longer exists. He is nothing more than a memory trapped in time. He is there right along side her. The M that existed back when she was with him. They are still back there, together, and trapped forever in those moments as nothing but a memory. A memory that exists beyond this realm allowing access of pieces only to the mind yet never to be relived.
Reality, however, holds a completely different truth. A truth where the girl that exists now does not know him. And he, is someone who does not know her.
The human mind is a fascinating creature. It has the power to ignore the truth as it sees fit despite the truth being etched into every crevice of it’s form. I have begun to accept that the faults do not make the love any less valuable nor any less historical.
You had your faults and I had mine. I think it’s finally time that I face them. For your anger was hurtful not only the way all anger can be but the most from the spite that it would bring along with it. My anger was explosive and rarely would I pull on the reigns and stop to think of the damage I could cause you …and us.
There are many good memories that we tend to remember after important relationships end. And though I will cherish my memories with him forever for they helped in shaping me and impacting my life, I have not forgotten the ones where neither of us showed restraint and we caused irreversible damage to an already chipped relationship.
We had just parked your car outside Jia’s Deli. We had just gotten back together and our families didn’t know of it. It was a quite place where we wouldn’t bump into someone we knew and the word couldn’t get back to your family. For if it had, it would have meant a lot of problem for us being together.
You had always been so respectful and loving before that break up. To be honest, I had been controlling and emotionally immature. You made mistakes and I didn’t deal with them the way I should have. I tested your love. I guess my past and abandonment issues couldn’t help but come out. But your apologies were big and emotional and we always made it work.
This time, you reached a level of disrespect I had only seen once before. I had seen it that day on Skype while I was in Australia and you were here, back to living with the family again. And I had seen it in that parking lot when I handed you that big bag of all the stuffed toys and all the love letters and all the trinkets you had given me till then. Where you had smirked and made those spiteful comments just to hurt me. But this time was different. This time I saw that the spite did not mask a secret like it did that day on Skype, it did not mask hurt and anger like it did in that parking lot. This time …it was something that came from within. This time when you shot those rude words at me, they came from a place of hate. A despise you had cultivated in the time that we had been apart. A detest that you felt you needed to keep us apart and to keep your own sanity during that time.
And it stung like a knife in my chest. I had never let anyone disrespect me in my life. And in that moment, my anger exploded at the thought that the love of my life would choose to knowingly cause me pain. To taint the history we had shared before those two horrid months of separation. To disrespect US. And to disrespect me.
I called you out on your mistake and when I saw nothing close to an apology, the way the situation would have occurred before the break up ever happened, I got out of your car, and I started walking in the direction of my house. My house was nearby, I could have walked. But it was night time so I decided to call a friend who was nearby so he could pick me up. You got out of the car and followed me. You grabbed my arm in anger and attempted to pull me back to the direction of the car; you wouldn’t let go. You grabbed my phone out of my hand and cut the call. Proceeding to yell and making accusations …something about something going on between me and the friend I was calling. I had never seen you in such anger; you had never grabbed me like that before. It was not the last time.
As time went on, our tempers continued to chip away at the relationship. It was as if the disrespect and spite you had shown me during the break up had opened some doors that could never be closed.
Every time you were angry, disrespectful and rude, I retorted with the sharp words meant to cause you pain; and my anger grew as a monster feeding off of everything you threw at me. Then there came a time when you thought so little of it all that you waved away the hurt I had felt when you had grabbed me in anger. Your indifference to my fear of becoming the victim where you were my abuser scared me. For I knew I loved you enough to actually hesitate if it came down to abuse and I had to make a choice, whether to leave you …or to stay. I had promised myself to never let anyone have that power over me. And you put me in a situation where I had to fear the possibility of having unknowingly relinquished that power to you.
On that night when you came to the house to talk to me, I left in an attempt to get away from you. You followed me down till we reached that big F-10 round-about on Margalla and you cut me off in an attempt to get me to stop. We parked our cars on the side, right next to that little area on the left where the metal fence is broken and bent. And I can still picture you leaning against it as you smirked in spite and we continued to have our heated conversation outside the cars. Seeing nothing but a future with the man who I love showing me anger and hurt and abusive words, I walked into the middle of the road. You rushed over, grabbed me by the arms, dragged me over to the car and threw me in the passenger door. I was sure that what was to follow was going to be a hard slap right across my face. Your face was contorted in anger, so much anger. And I broke down. You showed no mercy. You said the magic words. You said you were done. And I got in my car and drove off. You followed again; this time you had softened. Somehow, we came out of that night …somewhat intact.
We had just gotten back to my house and we had been fighting about something stupid. I had to meet friends but an outing with the family had come up. You had felt it was important that I spend time with them as we were trying to get them used to the idea of me being a part of the family. The engagement talks had started and our mothers had met. Your extended family had been told about me. I was so unreasonable that day. I acted immaturely and caused unnecessary tension. You were doing what was right for us, and I was being a child. Yes, there I said it. You weren’t the only one who acted like a child. I was perfectly capable of it too.
We got home after that tense drive and we started arguing. The argument took a turn for the worst because you said something no one should ever say to someone they love. And I was so disrespected that I didn’t realize what I had done till I saw your face shake from the impact, till I saw it go completely white with shock and then the blood rush to your cheek as it felt the true impact of my slap.
From then on, I had opened the doors to something I never should have. From then, though it made no difference to the disrespect you showed, our relationship was damaged beyond repair.
We had distorted something so beautiful to something so toxic. Something that went from an extreme of love, consideration, partnership to anger, disrespect, spite, emotional and physical abuse. Your face, the face of someone I loved so dearly, when contorted in anger became a thing I began to hate. And every time my face took on the cool, spiteful smirk, it brought out in you a contempt you could never hide. Something so beautiful to something so toxic. I don’t know how any two people could come back to show so much love for each other after fights like that. But somehow we used to manage.
The last time was the explosion it had all been leading to. Your grandfather was in the hospital and you were upset. You called me and woke me up; and where I should have shown you comfort, I was indifferent. An argument followed, I didn’t know about your grandfather having fallen from the stairs at the hospital. You had forgotten to tell me in your upset state of mind. And you became angry. The anger led to an argument and that argument led to profanities. I hung up on you because I couldn’t take the rudeness. And in response, you decided to send me a text message. The point where you called me a ‘motherfucking bitch’ is the point where I knew, once I let that be okay, there was no turning back. And so I told you we were done. I was done. My phone turned off.
Later in the evening, you came over to my house. Who knew we could do more damage than had already been done. You came and were still angry. There was no calming you down so I said there was nothing to talk about. As I turned to walk away, you tried to grab me …all you caught was my sweater and you pulled at it pulling me back. As I resisted, the cigarette and phone fell from my hands as the sweater ripped. In that moment, my anger could not be restrained. I felt attacked and I fought back. I turned and I slapped you hard and you tried to grab my hand as I did. I tried to slap you again as you backed out of the door and eventually you took a hold of my wrists. My mother came out of the house and saw this. With my wrists bound, I kneed you in the crotch. You accused me of being selfish as I failed to comfort you when you had called me earlier in the day. You told my mother about the stairs incident and that’s when I realized why you had been so angry. I stopped resisting. My mother told us both to calm down and told you to leave. You let go of my wrists and I coldly told you goodbye. As you walked out the driveway, you kicked my car with the Timberlands I had bought you. You cracked the bumper that you had bought for my car as a present.
Good memories are intertwined through with the bad ones. They all braid together to form what was – M and N. Though the bad ones were really bad, the relationship will never lose it’s importance. It is a part of my life. It is a lesson. It is my history.
What was our worst, was followed by our best. As you used to do once upon a time, you showed up at my door and got on your knees to apologize. You begged me to not let you go and the sadness in your eyes and in your tears made my heart break. I didn’t want to leave you. I just couldn’t live a life with a love that could hurt me. So I turned you away.
Then that day, while I was at work, you called for the hundredth time and I finally picked up. It’s still all so clear as if it was yesterday. As I paced up and down that balcony, as I stared down at my purple sweater, I told you goodbye again. We resigned to our fate and you sounded so broken. I kept my voice steady and calm and as it got closer to the end of the call, the fear that I would never see you again took over me. I couldn’t let you go. I asked you to come to the wedding. I told you I couldn’t let you go. I told you we would talk.
The wedding, the way we were a couple and it felt like the world was as it should be, the accident, how you stood by me in MY time of need, how you showed me strength when I had none – That was us.
And then again you were rude. You were spiteful and we fought …yet again. This time, I had forgiven you. And you, had changed your mind. That night I tried to save us.
Your response left me with no choice and I had to let you go. Maybe I should have tried harder, the way you had with the calls and coming to my house.
You blamed it on your emotional immaturity. And though you said you would always love me, you just couldn’t do it anymore. Our fights, trying to convince your family, the wait …it was all just too much.
And so with the beginning of this new year, and with the realization that what once existed can exist no more, I let you go. I set you free, my N. For you are nothing but a memory, stitched in time. Forever caught in a moment that can never come undone. And you are with her. In that moment, M and N exist.
And in my moment, in this life, she is no more. And he is not N. The lives are separate. They have no connection but a collection of moments forever caught in time.
I am finally free. And there is a great love meant for me. And the possibility of a great love …now that, is a new muse only beginning to weave it’s thread of inspiration on me.
For he no longer makes my heart skip a beat.
For I am finally …free.