accident, anger, apology, bitterness, Dante Gabriel Rossetti, dealing with grief, depression, engagement ring, family, heartbreak, Lessons, lies, Life, love, love letters, Marriage, Memories, promises, relationships, Sudden Light, support, trauma, trust, years
26 November 2008
I got a call around noon, hysterical and horrified, you said, “Booboo, it’s gone! My finger’s gone!”
I rushed to the hospital in a panic. My mom drove because the state I was in, I would’ve probably crashed the car. I rushed to your side, hugged you and held your hand, trying to calm you down, while you cried in horror as they cleaned and bandaged the finger that was now missing a digit.
Meanwhile, my mother spoke to your mother and found out about a plastic surgeon. You explained to me what happened on the road that day. You were in so much pain. I never knew I could feel your pain ..not until that day and every day after. All I wanted to do was take it all away and all I wanted to do was punch those doctors for gawking and passing the digit around like it was a toy.
The plastic surgeon was unwilling to reattach the finger. The cut was jagged and he feared infection. They wasted so much time. Your friend found out about another surgeon at a better hospital. By that time, it was getting dark. It started getting dark as we all rushed there. And in that small examination room of Shifa Emergency, you didn’t want me to leave your side but the doctor wanted privacy.
I found your mother sobbing in the corner near the door and I went over to her. I tried to comfort her whatever way I could. “…it’s his writing finger?” she cried. I told her that you were left-handed, you write with your left hand. And then when the surgeon explained that too much time had passed; and that the finger couldn’t be reattached anymore. All the hopes you had been clinging to the whole day, the hopes we had all been clinging to the whole day …gone.
You were so upset, so traumatized …and in so much pain.
You went home with the family and I went back home to quickly change, get my own car and then get back to you. On the way home, I remembered …it was also my Mum’s birthday.
The days ahead were so hard on you. Your anger and bitterness were slowly kicking in. And each time you lashed out at the family or me, it hurt more because I knew that behind that anger was …a lot of pain. And no matter what I did, I couldn’t take away your pain. I’ve never hated the world more than when I felt you hate it then.
My days began to revolve around you. My life was taking care of you. My mornings would start with you. And my nights would end with you. You had asked me to stay with you till you fell asleep otherwise you would have nightmares. So every night, I’d stay with you, and then quietly turn off your tv, lights, and then go back home. If you ever stirred, I would stay and comfort you till you would fell back asleep.
Once, I remember, I walked in the door and your mom called me in to her room. She explained that she had tried to clean the wound and change your bandages but you told her she was doing it all wrong. You were upset and angry with her. I told her not to worry and I tried to comfort her. She was upset as well. It can’t be easy seeing your son’s cut off finger, the stitches and of course, his pain. It wasn’t easy for you. It wasn’t easy for her. It wasn’t easy for me. For any of your siblings. I walked up the stairs to your room and let you vent. You were angry with her but I told you that I would do it and you seemed okay with the idea. We sat down with the bandages and Pyodine and I cleaned and bandaged your finger the way I had memorized the doctor do it earlier (I memorized how he did it because it was my responsibility to know how to take care of you). Once I was done, you seemed okay with it so I told you that I would bandage it from then onward.
I had paid attention to everything the doctor had said. I had memorized the way the surgeon explained it for increasing blood flow when it was initially healing; I knew how to massage it when it hurt. I took the concerned calls over the next month when you didn’t want to have to explain it to anyone. I always carried your painkillers with me. I held it in my palm when it was especially painful in the winter.
Anything …to make it easier for you.[youtube http://youtu.be/ichCCegTbnA]
25 November 2009
Date: 25 November 2009
Subject: Everyone’s been asking me what happened…
..and wanna know the funny thing? The best answer I can come up with is an “I don’t know.”
Do you know why that is?
I’ve been hearing all sorts of things about what you’re saying to people and then thinking all sorts of things but the things I really truly deserve to hear …are your reasons.
I deserve to hear the truth about why you did what you did and said what you said; who broke up here and whose fault it was.
It may be easier for you to explain to people by simply saying “it wasn’t meant to be” and “M was a psycho, i’m glad i got outta there,” but see …none of that makes sense to me …if I was such a psycho… Why were you with me for a year? Why did you write all those letters and cards and diaries expressing your love for me and if your true motives were to use me for your convenience, why the false promises not simply to me but also to my Mom? About marriage and how we’d get engaged once I got back and you were on your feet?
Did I not deserve at least for you to be honest with me? I stood by you and took care of you, giving you everything I could give you OTHER than my own finger when you had your accident.
You remember when you used to ask me to stay till you fell asleep ’cause you didn’t want to be alone when you fell asleep and then I used to quietly leave the room and turn your lights off and lock the main door and leave for my own house at 7 in the morning, all so that my baby wouldn’t need to sleep alone?
You remember when you got kicked out of your house and again I was there for you trying to figure out what to do and I would take you for food every chance I got once you were in the apartment ’cause I didn’t want you starving and couldn’t see you in trouble.
I know you’d want to forget all about those bad memories but then tell me one thing …did I become part of those bad memories you needed to forget? So that’s why it was sooo easy for you to get over me even after you spend the whole year telling me you love me and can’t live without them …what was it you used to say to me? “What would I do without you, Boo?” ….I guess it was simply a matter of convenience for you then. the only reason you needed me was either because you were upset about your accident or because your family kicked you out and you needed me to not leave you? Is that why you stuck around for that long?
Well then why the show of love and false promises of marriage? [I took out the next sentence – too personal]
So that day when I wanted to talk to you at ____, you had decided it was over and told me, “let’s make this quick” ….wow N, after giving you almost a year and a half of my life… I apologise for asking for 5 minutes of your time to tell me why it was so easy to stop loving me.
And then without me saying a harsh word, you went on about a bunch of things, that interestingly hadn’t occurred to you the whole period of the relationship, and didn’t for once calmly speak to me considering I was supposedly the “love of your life” for the whole time we actually were together and tell me why it was so easy for you to let go of something you used to say was so important to you.
I deserve an honest to God answer for why it took you one day to turn from the N who loved me to the one who has no heart or soul.
I called you today and you didn’t answer, of course I’m one of your ex’s so like you used to with the rest of them …you eventually turned your phone off and didn’t reply to my text. So then am I to assume that when you were making fun of all those girls who according to you were “psychos,” it was actually them who had been the victims of your lies and simply believed you because you probably pushed it in their faces all the time about how “decent and sincere” a guy you were and how you’re not like one of those assholes who don’t respect women?
Your silence obviously shows that you have no such qualities in you, the day you truly respect a woman …will be when you stop considering them as objects and truly realise the difference between a whore and a woman.
As for the whore part …if I was such a whore, it took you a year to realise that? Were your eyes closed that whole time.
And opened when I wasn’t in front of them anymore or was it again …you couldn’t use me anymore since I was in another country and probably would’ve moved back eventually?
Or was it because you got bored and then decided to make up all these excuses to get rid of me? If you got bored …were you that big a coward to not be able to tell me to my face that you didn’t love me anymore? Oh but obviously that would’ve meant you never loved me to begin with …and God forbid you realise you’re one of those guys who doesn’t actually know what “love” is, and uses it only to get with girls.
Or okay how about the excuse you used …you chose your family over me because you had been kicked out for “me” before and it was too tough and you realised you needed your family?
Did I not tell you from day one that if it ever came down to it, you would pick your family OVER me? Or did that slip your mind when it came down to someone asking you for an excuse?
If that is actually the reason …then why did you tell me that when you moved back in, the family had a talk with you about how they respect your relationship with me? Was THAT a lie to me? Why so many lies? If you loved me so much, couldn’t you at least be honest with me?
Okay so let’s think …you chose your family over me. I never would’ve wanted it any different but then why did you cut me out of your life?
Don’t you think if you really loved me and wanted to spend your life with me like you often used to tell me and everyone around us …don’t you think you could’ve been honest about your family’s dislike for me and then we would’ve broken up mutually and still remained in each others lives as friends because obviously we had already decided we were “the one” for each other …so then couldn’t we be friends till you got closer to your family and got on your feet and both of us got to a stable place in our lives at which point you could approach your family and try to see if they would try getting to know me again and support us in our wanting to marry each other? Don’t you think by that time they would’ve been happy in your happiness?
Or wait so obviously since That didn’t occur to you …it must mean that it wasn’t your happiness anymore.
So then if I wasn’t your happiness anymore, why the lies? Why did you continue to lie to me about you loving me? In your last email to me till when we met at _________ and you asked me, “don’t you think I loved you?”
N, my love, “loved” is past tense. True love has no end, it doesn’t turn into “loved” ever …it stays “will always love.”
So then please, for the first time since the first day you met me …be Honest with me. Did you Ever love me? Does it pinch you even a little bit that after being together for a long time, you’re absolutely cold now? Or is there a pill you took for indifference? ‘Cause wow where can I get it since it obviously helped you forget everything we ever went through or meant to each other in a day?
And what was with telling me “I’ve found someone already,” and then when I honestly tried to be happy for you, you got pissed off at me and gave me your taunting laugh and said, “no, i haven’t!”
Since it was the end, why the mind games, all I wanted was your reasons and the truth and instead I got bitterness and anger from you. I showed true happiness that you’re good with your family because your happiness used to be my happiness whereas you said the meanest things you could think of? Were you trying to hurt me at that point? Why? If you were so indifferent about breaking up, why bother trying to influence my feelings one way or another?
None of it makes sense and so again I’m left with an “I don’t know.”
But you know what I Do know? It’s that you owe at least your reasons to the girl you used to call “Boo” and claimed to “lovey dovey” for why you changed from the man she used to love, to this person she wouldn’t ever want to know.
That’s why I called and messaged, to tell you that we should meet or have a proper mature conversation, as there were many things left unsaid, from your side and mine and considering all the “love” that was claimed during the relationship …it seemed fair that we could at least sit down and talk maturely and mutually on a good note about the whole situation, considering it was claimed from your side and mine that “we’re best friends as well as boyfriend/ girlfriend” and how “we want to spend the rest of our lives with each other” …”till infinity and beyond
27 November 2009
You told me you loved me… you asked me if I trusted you. I trusted you. You asked me to wait for you while you convinced your family. And I waited…
You had saved up money for an engagement ring and asked me what I wanted. We started looking up designs online and then went to jewellery stores to check out rings. We found the perfect design and you took the store’s card and a picture so we could remember it. We even came home and showed my Mom the ring we liked.
26 November 2012
This day four years ago.
I have been here before,
But when or how I cannot tell:
I know the grass beyond the door,
The sweet keen smell,
The sighing sound, the lights around the shore.
You have been mine before,–
How long ago I may not know:
But just when at that swallow’s soar
Your neck turn’d so,
Some veil did fall, –I knew it all of yore.
Has this been thus before?
And shall not thus time’s eddying flight
Still with our lives our love restore
In death’s despite,
And day and night yield one delight once more?
– Sudden Light, Dante Gabriel Rossetti