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The reason the holidays/ birthdays/ Eids are so hard? The reason why I hate these holidays? It’s because they’re family holidays. These are the days people spend with their loved ones, their families.

I’ve never felt close to my family. I’ve always felt judged by them and then eventually, betrayed, stabbed and attacked by them. Hence, I came to realize that my friends were my family. As time goes by some friends stay and some go, are lost or distance just sets in. I’m good at keeping my distance. I could write a book about it. So I know which ones to keep my distance from the start so that there are no broken promises and no unfulfilled expectations. And I know which ones I can let in. Sometimes, as life goes, I have put my faith in the wrong ones. Selfishness is truly the biggest evil I have seen in my life. It hurts people and it’s unprincipled. Again, I’m a stickler for principles and values so I can’t stand ‘unprincipled’ …anything, especially friends of mine.

Okay I’m going off topic.

The holidays. The reason why I hate them, lower my expectations and act completely unaffected? It’s because these are the days you spend with family. And these are the days when I am reminded that I can’t spend them with my family.

I can’t spend them with my family because the only time I ever felt like I had a true family …was when you were my family.

Family – the word you used to described us. And now all of a sudden, I have to redefine my ‘family’ because there is no we, no us.

This is the reason I hate my own birthday. And why every birthday is a reminder of the absence of you, your tradition of a birthday dance especially for me, and how you would show me how happy you are that I am in this world. And your birthdays …oh how that date is etched in my mind forever… because I am reminded of how I can’t be there to make your day special. To give you all the happiness you deserve. To show you that I am grateful to have you in this world whether you are mine or not.

This is the reason I hate Eid. And why every Eid reminds me of that first time you wished me ‘Eid Mubarak’ first thing in the morning because you wanted me to be the first person you wished. And how every Eid since, is a reminder of the absence of that wish.

The reason why it’s all so hard?

The absence of you.

Your absence has gone through me. Like thread through a needle. Everything I do is stitched with its color.

The ineffable words