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When Derek broke up with you, nobody told you were better off without him. It’s not supportive, it’s condescending.

– Izzie Stevens, Grey’s Anatomy

I used to think it comes in waves. There’s a lull and just when you think you’re coming up for air, another wave comes crashing down and drowns you all over again. I now realise that I was mistaken. It used to be waves. There were good days and bad days. And there were good days and bad nights.

Derek: So, who’s next, Alex? He likes to sleep around… you two have that in common.

Meredith: You don’t get to call me a whore! When I met you, I thought I had met the person I would spend the rest of my life with. I was done. So all the boys, and all the bars, and all the obvious daddy issues… who cared? Because I was done. You left me! You chose Addison! I’m all glued back together now. I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke. You don’t get to call me a whore!

Maybe it was waves because I chose to do whatever made it easy for me. And in doing so, I could breathe just a little while longer. It made surviving easy and I don’t regret whatever steps I took and no matter how far I went. I know I scared everyone around me. I was reckless and unlike my own self. And it came to a point where I couldn’t even recognise myself anymore. I make no apologies. I have no regrets for how I chose to repair what you broke. You don’t get to call me a whore.

Derek: Meredith-

Meredith: Just leave me alone!

Derek: I just want to make sure you’re alright.

Meredith: No! I’m not alright? Okay? Are you satisfied? I’m not alright. Because you have a wife, and you call me a whore, and our dog died, and now you’re looking at me again. Stop looking at me.

Derek: I’m not looking at you. I am not looking at you.

Meredith: You are looking at me. And you watch me. And Finn has plans. I like Finn. He’s perfect for me, and I’m really trying here to be happy, and I feel like I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe with you looking at me like that, so just stop!

Derek: You think I want to look at you? That I wouldn’t rather be looking at my wife? I’m married. I have responsibilities. She doesn’t drive me crazy. She doesn’t make it impossible for me to feel normal. She doesn’t make me sick to my stomach thinking about my veterinarian touching her with his hands. Man, I would give anything to not be looking at you!

– Grey’s Anatomy

You made your choice. And then you told me to find my happiness. And I’m trying to be happy. I’ve been trying to be happy. But then you look at me. You watch me and then I see you standing in corners staring down at your phone or your shoes when you should be enjoying your friend’s party. You look at me and then you walk into a different room when I start dancing with my friends as if my presence causes you pain. You avoid me as if I cause you pain. And everyone sees you looking at me. They come up to me to ask me what happened to you all of a sudden as if my presence affects you.

You made your choice. And all I’m trying to do is just breathe. And I feel like I can’t breathe with you looking at me like that.

So now, it’s not waves. It’s constant. It’s all the time. Every day and every night, in every moment, it’s there.

Fall has started. I love Fall. It brings the clouds and the cool breeze that bring me peace. It makes everything look so beautiful and it makes me love everything. It makes me want to dance. And most of all, it makes me miss my happy. Without it, I can’t seem to breathe. I’m torn between peace and yearning.

You took away my happy and now you won’t stop looking at me. Why are you looking at me?

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