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If you gain a few pounds if you don’t feel like wearing makeup and if you want to wear sweats everyday and a pony-tail and he still thinks you are beautiful. That he will take care of you when you get sick and not leave your side until you are well again, mentally or physically. That is real love.

When your world comes crumbling down. The person who is by your side picking up the pieces with you is the one who loves you.

– SexinMiami, Don’t ever let yourself be used…..

Sometimes when it rains like this and I see the clouds and I feel the wind, and after I’ve come back from watching couples celebrate another union formed, I remember our drives in the rain. I remember cuddling up on the couch to watch our favorite shows while it poured outside. I remember going to weddings together where we danced together, we went and got food for each other as if we were a team, we sat next to each other like that was how it was meant to be. And when you’d watch the happy couple and then smile at me, I knew in my heart and soul that we would be up there too one day.

I remember you reaching out to hold my hand and I remember the safety I felt. A feeling that is now a distant memory. A feeling that now feels like a dream – a dream that will never recur again.

And as it continues to pour outside the door, and as I watch the raindrops fall on the terrace, I remember all those times we would call each other in the rain when we’d both be stuck in the office.

I miss a love I once had. A love where I was taken care of when I was sick. A love where I saw you feel my pain as if it was yours – where you cringed as I writhed in pain. A love where, when your world came crumbling down, I took your hand and promised to stand with you no matter what. A love where I stood by your side to help you pick up the pieces, no matter what the cost.

I miss the love I loved the most.

I guess numbness is an art one learns over time. It’s not exactly that time heals. It’s more like it becomes easier to box away the pain as time passes and the memories become distant.

My continuous attempts to push you away fail miserably. And with each dance practice, each wedding, each picture taken of me …I think of you, and I feel the empty space where you used to be …right beside me.

But when you walked out that door, a piece of me died
I told you I wanted more – but that’s not what I had in mind
I just want it like before
We were dancing all night
Then they took you away – stole you out of my life
You just need to remember….

Blue Jeans, Lana Del Rey

And no matter what changes I make in life, I’ve noticed that I always manage to keep a space open for you –  that space right beside me. A space that, apparently, I’ve been leaving empty without knowing it.

My dreams have changed. From the time that it ended till only a few months ago, every dream I had was a nightmare and it was always a new and different way of losing you. In every dream, you were cruel and hurtful. The words you would speak would break me. And the dream would end the same way with me fighting to hold on and you doing the worst you could so I would let you go. And I would wake up broken and the rest of the day would be spent in a strange state of broken-ness.

…The possible dream scenarios are many, from cuddling in bed to fighting like you always did over next to nothing. Dreams like these seem to reconcile a deep sense of loss, sort out the bad residual feelings and somehow make right what went wrong.

– Soulmate Dreams, Ariadnegreen.com

But then the nightmares stopped. You stopped coming into my dreams completely and I began to search for you in the real world. After our few meetings, I began to let go. Do you want to know what happened then?

Then you decided to come in my dreams and be good to me. You came to me and were hurt that I was choosing someone new over you. You wanted me back and although you didn’t say it in the dream, I knew you enough to know how you felt. It hurt you to see me with him. And before the rest of the story could unfold, I woke up. And as if to correct whatever mistake I was making in the dream, I decided to correct it in real life. I pushed him away and I went to you. And though I learnt a lesson from that experience, my subconscious didn’t.

The next time you came in my dream, I had, in life, accepted that we were never going to be together again. And strangely, the dream continued from when I had last met you. It went differently this time. Whether it was a ‘second chance’ dream or a ‘reconciling dream‘, this time, your mother eventually accepted me. You treated me the way you used to – with love and caring. No longer were you cruel. Despite it all, I asked nor expected anything of you. I want your happiness and nothing more. I was fine with being just friends. And as we sat there joking with your family and friends, though I did not expect it of you, you called me to you from across the room. You took my hand and in that moment, I felt you want it and I knew …you and I were going to be together again.

And I awoke.

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