2012, acceptance, Change, dating, denial anger bargaining depression acceptance, Dreams, experience, Faith, forgiveness, freedom, goodbyes, heartbreak, honesty, Lessons, lies, Life, love, realizations, relationships, respect, romance, truth
August 20th, 2012 4:43 AM
I shouldn’t have done it. I shouldn’t have sent those texts, I shouldn’t have made the call. I shouldn’t have answered your call. Looking back, I guess it was for the best. You ripped those rose-coloured glasses right off my eyes. Never would I have accidentally made a similar slip of tongue. My love, it wasn’t a slip of tongue and I won’t make excuses for you any longer. It’s better for me if I accept the truth. You never loved me. What you felt, it was what you thought was love. I don’t blame you. Considering your inexperience, I should’ve known better. I won’t regret it because I learnt a lot and I grew from it. I still don’t hate you nor am I angry with you. I know you enough to know that there’s no point of that. You slipped. You said it without realising what it would mean. At that moment, I didn’t hold on to it either. I realised why I was there and what I would get out of it. I got what I wanted, and I got out of there.
Well… I liked you…
Excuse me while I stop here to laugh heartily. Yes, you ‘liked’ me. Whereas I …I loved you. It’s okay. I guess I finally understand why life took the turns it did. I guess I can actually call our relationship a tragedy and mean it. One person loved, the other ..didn’t. Isn’t that the way it goes? And then people move on, and I am free to find the real love of my life. Because you, my darling, aren’t him.
It’s one of my mistakes. I won’t, at this point, implicate myself. But what I will say is that lying to someone to protect their feelings is a bullshit excuse. There is no such thing. A relationship cannot be built on lies. It’s as simple as that.
My mistake – the first one – I should have let you walk away that fateful day when you punched in the dashboard of my car. I don’t know why I was so adamant to hold on when we were obviously so different in our mindsets. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret the relationship that continued despite that dent in the relationship.
I have just come to realise that I was wrong to hold certain things back. It might be the reason why it never should have worked, why it didn’t work.
That’s why, no matter how much it might hurt the other person, I can’t hold back the truth. It might hurt feelings, but at the end of the day, at least I’m not creating something based on a lie.
I’ve learnt my lesson.
I have to learn to forgive them all. My trust issues are too deeply ingrained and it will take a long time and a very patient man to help me be okay. But I have to at least try to forgive and move on.
I forgive him for misusing my trust.
I forgive him for manipulating and tricking me.
I forgive him for being forceful, aggressive and manipulative.
I forgive you for being naive to your own feelings and in turn making promises you couldn’t keep. I forgive you for breaking my heart.
And finally, I thank you for opening my eyes. I always knew that when you came back into my life, either I would fall more in love with you or I would fall out of love with you. Thank you for helping me fall out of love with you. I knew that you were the only one capable of making something like that happen. And I’m grateful for it.
I’m still lost. But since you’ve completely tainted the memories I have of you, I have no fallback anymore. And now, it’s not just a hole in the shape of you but a lot of other things I have to consider in my life. I had my life on the back burner while I pined over you. You’ve taken that away from me. Now I’m forced to face life. Let’s see where this takes me…
As for what we had …I won’t disrespect what I loved so much and call it a lie. Our history, our relationship, it was ..deep. To say the least. So when it comes to what I had with you, I’ll show respect where you didn’t and believe:
A person isn’t who they are during the last conversation you had with them – they are who they’ve been throughout your whole relationship.
-Rainer Maria Rilke
But now after everything, at least, I have hope. The love of my life is still out there.
And to him I’d like to say: Would ya hurry up, already!