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Destiny dictates the meeting of soulmates. We will meet them. But what we decide to do after that meeting falls in the province of choice or free will. A wrong choice or a missed chance can lead to incredible loneliness and suffering. A right choice, an opportunity realized, can bring us to profound bliss and happiness.

He may not recognize you, even though you have finally met again, even though you know him. You can feel the bond. You can see the potential, the future. But he does not. His fears, his intellect, his problems keep a veil over his heart’s eyes. He does not let you help him sweep the veil aside. You mourn and grieve, and he moves on. Destiny can be so delicate…

– Dr. Brian Weiss, Only Love is Real: A Story of Soulmates Reunited [1997]

I haven’t been able to write in a long time. It’s not like I had much to say during that time: Life was moving forward, new experiences were involved and I felt free. But then this back pain started and the worse it got, the more I realized something that was missing in this weak point in my life.

Whenever I get sick, I’m reminded of my status. The status of being completely alone. It’s not about who I do have, it’s more about who I don’t. I guess I’m reminded of the gap because before, I was taken care of. It’s one thing I’ve always had. Most of my life, my mom took care of me. Then he came along and slowly, he just started taking care of me. It took time for us to adjust to that but he understood so perfectly and at some point, my mom didn’t need to anymore.

Now that he’s gone, I guess the gap is because my mom became used to having him around for me just as much as I did. And it wasn’t just me who lost a love; it was her who lost a son. She took her time to trust him and let him in, but then when she did, she had accepted him as a son. She had accepted him as part of our family. She’s been used to taking care of herself most of her life. But he had changed me, he had gotten me used to depending on him. In the past week, I guess I finally let myself realize that he isn’t around to depend on anymore. I have to realize and come to terms with the fact that it is again – me against the world. I don’t have arms to comfort me when I’m sick. I don’t have someone to dabaofy me when I get a bad back spasm. I don’t have someone to take me to the doctor because I like having them with me when I go for such things. I don’t have someone who can take care of my car because I don’t understand mechanic-speak as well as they do.

And all of it, just came crashing down at once in the past week. My body falling apart, my car falling apart, I was falling apart all over again.

The last time it got this bad was back in 2007 when I was cutting, took those 50 pills of Xanax, and Lexotanil, slit my wrists and had to be taken to the hospital to get my stomach washed. This time, I had no sleeping pills to come to my rescue. Hence I survived it by turning off my phone and sleeping for as long as I could which was luckily, most of the three days that I was in that depressed state.

And the third day when I finally mustered up the courage to go out and run some errands, I bumped into his younger brother and sister’s boyfriend. He’s so adorable, no matter what, he always says ‘hi’ to me and I always feel such love for him. I remember our little bonding sessions over games and movies. He’s so grown up now. I hated it pinching me. Seeing them buying junk food made me remember …and I had to do the avoidance dance. I’ve realized that the reason seeing his family pinches me is because it’s not just my relationship with him but also his family that I miss. I miss his younger brother talking to me about superheroes. I miss his mom teasing me about her son. I had gotten used to the idea that I was going to be a part of his family and be by his side.

I never realized all of this …not until now.

A friend asked me why we were both being stupid. Apparently, my mistake, what pinched him was that I moved on so quickly. But that’s where everyone is wrong. It hurt him just as much as it hurt me, yes. And yes, I don’t doubt that back then, while I was hurting here and trying but failing to move on, he was hurting too. But I never moved on and I did let him know that. I waited. I went back to him over and over again and every time all I got was the same response – it was too late/ his family would never accept us. Even when I made my last attempt, all I wanted to say was that I’ll wait for as long as he needs me to; but he didn’t want to hear it. His attempts at relationships haven’t worked and neither have mine? I laughed when my friend said we’re both still failing. And later that night, his words wouldn’t stop repeating in my head. He awakened the part of me that I’m trying to stifle …the one that still hopes, the one that wants to wait …for someone who never waited for her. The tragedy of the whole story is …because of his decision, he broke my heart. And then he later told me, his own heart broke too.

But I have to accept what is and put aside what was. I think I’ve entered the acceptance phase. It’s easier to accept that there’s nothing left now. Regardless, it’s hard to get used to someone new when you’re so used to being in a relationship with things being a certain way. Especially when that way is what’s comfortable to you and becomes what you need and want. Nevertheless, one can’t compare. Although earlier, I couldn’t stop myself from comparing, now I seem to be able to separate what I had from what is in the now.

Is it a plus point that I can’t seem to remember when we broke up anymore? Was it February 2010 or 2011? …or does that signify nothing?

I’m repeatedly asked, “if he comes back to you, will you go back to him?” and even if I say “no”, the response I get is to stop lying to myself and to the inquirer. The problem is… am I lying or is it really a ‘no’? I guess we’ll never know. All I can do is be honest and open about what I do know.

The soul of man is like to water;
From Heaven it cometh.
To Heaven it riseth.
And then returneth to earth,
Forever alternating.

-Goethe

And all I know is that ‘destiny can be so delicate…’

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