“Who are you and what have you done with Maheen?”
She’s right. I haven’t been myself for a while now. I guess it’s not a lie when I say I lost a part of me. It’s not just a figure of speech everyone uses after a heartbreak; there’s some truth behind it. I did lose sight of myself somewhere along the way. And I made mistakes in the search for myself again. Apparently, I haven’t stopped making those mistakes. But hey, the best thing about having him, I don’t get hurt. No one can affect me, no one can touch me.
I was so close to fallback yesterday. I had to reroute myself. Luckily, life has at least been kind enough to give me distractions. It said “Hey! I’ve taken away your happiness but here, I give you this to distract yourself from what I snatched away.” Gee thanks. I think that’s always been the case for me: One distraction after another.
How could I forget who I am? It’s how I’ve always been. I can never relent the power, it’s just not in me. And the checklist? Well, it’s still there. I was losing sight of it and although I was told earlier that was a good thing, I put that checklist in place for a reason. The checklist is so that I don’t forget what I’ve learnt over the years and so that I don’t make mistakes, especially the same mistakes, again.
And losing sight of myself? That part is easier to get back. The core elements I know. True that I take the control, true that I am assertive when I want to be but also true that I’m possessive. It’s an innate quality and something I’ve never been able to control. I shouldn’t let myself forget that it was something once appreciated, and that appreciation made it all perfect for me. It’s something I can’t nor will let go of. So it becomes a situation where all I can say is either take it or leave it.
My fallback may be unhealthy, but at least I have one. If I really think about it, I’ve always had a fallback. The only time I actually let go of my fallback, my heart was broken. Do I look stupid enough to let that go a second time. Yeah, right.
But the checklist still remains and always will. What do I require from The Imperfect Man? The same things I had; accept no substitutes. Possessive. Respectful. Considerate. Caring. Chivalrous. I was put on a pedestal above other girls and it made me love. I was given priority. A bit of healthy jealousy, I’ve never turned away from that; in fact, I wanted it. And most of all, loyalty and commitment.
Casual has never been my thing, nor will it ever be my thing. I don’t know why I lose track of this fact because I always take it ahead and then realize, “Oh! This is not what I want. This is not me.” I should just step away and remind myself of that from the beginning. I keep forgetting to let them know that I’m not that girl. I’m not the one you try to know and take your own sweet time to figure out what you want. I’m the girl who you either want completely, or I tell you to take a hike. There’s no grey area or room for negotiation. It is what it is. Either you give in your all, or I don’t have the time for you.
Take it or leave it.
That’s how you tell who your true friends are: They are the ones that remind you of who you really are especially when you lose sight of it. The real me is the one who prides herself on her set principles. The one who admires set values and principles in others. I may have faltered but it won’t happen again. So thanks, my love. I had forgotten, I won’t again.