China, dealing with grief, denial, denial anger bargaining depression acceptance, feels like home, goodbyes, Grief, heartbreak, home, Lessons, Life, love, Marriage, marry me, Memories, relationships, romance, Soulmates, true love
There are certain things that stay with you …this will be one of them, something that will always make me smile…
If anything, we’ll get back by public vote
A friend asked me my story. His advice….
“Convince his family again, it’s been quite a while since you last tried and persistence is the key to success. I’m sure his family would be more convinced if you don’t give up.”
If only it were all up to me. If only I could change it all. I guess having to explain it to him made me understand what happened. It’s not about me giving up. As anybody who knows me, knows that I haven’t given up even now. Even when I’m supposed to, I can’t give up.
But that’s not how life works. The tragedy of my story …he gave up trying. The fight became too much and he gave up. I’m not sure if he was mistaken but there’s a few things that come to mind.
Firstly, I guess he thought I just wanted to get married because I had turned 23. My mistake that I didn’t explain to him that I wanted to get married to HIM; because I had found the love of my life, waiting wasn’t necessary anymore since I had found my life partner.
And maybe he thought since it would take a long time to convince his family, I wouldn’t be willing to wait. The funny thing is, I waited all my 21 years for someone like him to come into my life. And once he did, I would have waited a lifetime more if I just knew that we’d end up together. It was never about not being able to wait.
We had a few fights about children. Ever since I’ve known about child birth, it has scared the bejeezus out of me. Any guy I was ever with, I could never imagine being a mother or having anybody’s child. As our relationship progressed, he showed his love for kids. And I loved him more for it. Our fights would involve him trying to convince me to be open to the idea of having our kids, and me trying to explain to him that I just needed him to not expect it. If he took the pressure of having kids off me, I’d eventually want them myself later on in our future. That was my theory, but it was hard for him to understand. But then he was so often supportive when I wouldn’t budge and when he was supportive, I loved him so much more. In those moments I would think, “I would love to give him a child, to give him the chance to be a father” and I could imagine the look in his eyes when he would hold his baby. I know we were young but I knew him so well, I knew the exact look in his eyes as he would hold his own child for the first time. And for that look on his face, for the happiness our child would bring him, I would have given him that little girl with curly hair that he joked about, or a son who he could teach about cars. Even now, the funny thing is, if I think about having children with someone else, there’s a big neon sign in my head flashing “NO!” Yet the thought of having a family where he is by my side, now that’s a beautiful picture. That pain isn’t something I’d go through for anyone but him.
I’m not sure if this did cross his mind, but there were points when he used to think that I didn’t want to depend on him or that I didn’t accept him as an equal partner. The strange thing is, that was never the case. Of all the people in my life, he was the only one I could allow myself to depend on. And I did. I trusted him completely. It’s strange how my friend commented on seeing me as ‘dependent’ when I was with him. When my friend said that to me, I only smiled. I smiled because it brought back memories of how comfortable I felt with him; how those were the only instances in life when I felt like I didn’t have to be constantly on my toes and taking care of everything and everyone. I only had to take care of him if he needed me and I was peaceful. To be able depend on him, it was one of the best things about us. I trusted him with my life.
So there they are – the main things that come to mind every time I wonder.
He gave up trying. He gave up on wanting to wait.
At least in another world, we’re together in China.
Let’s go to China.