I would have moved mountains.
I would have given up the world.
I waited my whole life; what would have been a lifetime more?
I would have gotten down on one knee. If only I didn’t know, that the answer was a “no.
It’s strange how certain events take place. I didn’t mean to go there. I didn’t mean to make it happen. I just wanted to clarify something. But somehow things turned towards a certain direction. And then in the car, I kept telling myself “no.” I told myself to not go there; to hold back. I couldn’t stop myself.
I expected to just go back to the awkward normal after that. But somehow, I guess we both decided that we didn’t care. It was one night. And that’s all it was going to be.
I never expected to hear the things I heard. I thought only I was acting on my impulses. I was surprised to see that I wasn’t alone. I was glad to see it. I’ve had so many doubts and so often felt like what we had was one sided. But I was glad to see that what was in the past, is still respected. The importance won’t lessen.
Wow! To be in love with someone for five years is something I never expected. To be with someone for almost three years yet to feel the same amount two years later as if nothing ever wavered; now that’s a miracle.
Nobody will understand and I’m okay with that. I don’t need them to understand what happened. I just needed to be happy, even if for one day. And all I need them to understand is that all I wanted, was to feel alive again. And I would like them to be happy that I could breathe, even if for one night. I could feel peace and comfort, even if for one night.
Life goes on, I’ll go on as I have. But life only happens once, right? So I’ll be damned if I spend it regretting what I was too scared to do. I’ll be damned if I hold myself back from what makes me happy.
It’s funny how God steers us. It’s so funny that what I once asked for in passing, never thinking it would happen, God gave me exactly that. He gave me my night. And in that night, he gave me my answers. On the other hand, I can’t say I don’t feel betrayed or hurt by Him. But I won’t let myself be angry at Him. Regardless, now that certain questions are answered, I can’t help but wonder about others. Questions that I want to ask God. Unfortunately, I don’t know when I’ll get the answers to those.
I want Him to know one thing that will always hold true about me and the love of my life for as I long as I live in this world or the next…
So long as I can breathe or I can see, so long lives your love which gives life to me.