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And I go on trying to save others, with the hope that one day; I’d have paid my dues and He’ll decide, to save me.

A good friend recently gave me the perfect advice. He told me exactly what I needed to hear.

I’d been getting more and more hopeless as time went by and my friends, although I’m sure they have good intentions, continued to push me to move on without taking into account how I was actually feeling.

Someone new came into my life, unexpectedly, and I was pleasantly surprised. But then when it came down to taking a step further and setting a title. My heart stopped, I felt anxious and uneasy. Why was I so scared?

Was it because I was scared of entering another relationship which would end in nothingness like the last two? Was I scared of it turning into another rebound? I knew I hadn’t told him in detail of my last relationship and at the time, he didn’t understand my hesitation and silence. But was it just fear of the future, or was it something from my past holding me back? I’d previously gone into two relationships without letting myself accept that I wasn’t over my ex; and I hadn’t let the guys know. They weren’t stupid, they saw the hints and eventually, each relationship had to end. I just wasn’t in it. So this time, I didn’t want to spend so much of my energy in just trying to hide the fact that I was in love with someone else. It’s not fair to the other person. Nor am I fooling anyone but myself.

As luck would have it, somehow he was understanding and gave me space. I didn’t have to answer him and I could breathe easy. Be with him the way my feelings would steer me and not have a title hanging over my head with all the expectations which I wouldn’t be able to fulfill.

And then somehow, we talked and my story unfolded before him. I held nothing back and I told him everything from the ending to the tries at friendship – the ones that still continue. And he came to the realization that the way he was over his ex, I wasn’t over mine. And it didn’t seem to bother him. And guilt shall not follow the kiss.

Yet, I could not say yes. And then came the advice of a friend. He told me what I already knew, but was afraid of. He told me that no matter how much time passes, the memories will always remain. And the memories will always make me love and think of my love. I’ll always have a place in my heart for my love. But I do have to move on. It won’t be easy.

He gave me his example; of how for three years, he couldn’t get over his ex. And by the three years, he was sick of not being over her. And then a girl came along, and he started to feel something. Initially, when the girl would do certain things, he’d be reminded of how his ex did them differently. But eventually, he fell for the ways of this girl. And then his ex wasn’t there as a comparison anymore. And he fell in love.

As luck would have it, he has really bad luck. The girl he shifted his love to from his ex, the girl he fell for …was me. And I was already in love with someone else. And then he had to figure out how to move on from me.

So there we were, two years later, with him giving me advice on how to move on. For him now, it had been five years, and still, there are triggers that bring back thoughts of his ex and he’ll always care for her and pray for her.

That was my epiphany, that although I will always love my Panther. I have to be open to someone else. I have to stop comparing, because there will never be another him. And when someone else comes along, I have to let myself be open to their perfections and imperfections. The way I accepted my Panther for his imperfections as much as I loved his perfections; I will eventually accept another’s imperfections as well.

What most people around me fail to understand is my loss. No matter how I try to explain it, no matter which part of my past I use as an example. No one ever seems to be able to understand the depth, nor the importance. There is one friend who understands a lot more than the rest. I guess it’s fair for her to understand the most because she was there. From the beginning, through the love and the counselling us for the fights and through the repeating endings. But for the most part, the significance of the love in my life, seems lost on most.

A recent realization, what I’m feeling, can be called an ambiguous loss.

Ambiguous loss: A term that is used to describe the grief or distress associated with a loss (usually a person or relationship) in which there is confusion or uncertainty about that person or relationship.

“. . . the greater the ambiguity surrounding one’s loss, the more difficult it is to master [the loss] and the greater one’s depression, anxiety, and family conflict.

Understanding Ambiguous Loss

It would then make sense that when a friend compares my loss to her’s, though similar on certain aspects, the difference is that she made a decision. She made her choice. And now, two years later, she is at a place where he is in her past and she has a different future envisioned for herself.

For me, someone recently made me realize that it has been almost two years. It’s surprising that so much time has passed because I feel emotionally at the same place I was back then. And when she tells me that she hopes one day I reach where she is, although I may say “when will I?” as if it’s something I see in the future for myself; to be honest, that won’t ever be me. I don’t see that for myself.

For me, no matter how much they tell me he lied and was selfish, I don’t believe it. Because I remember the man I was with. I remember getting ready and feeling nervous when his mother and grandmother were coming over as if it was yesterday. I remember being SO nervous about the whole tea serving thing which I did for him. And I remember the look on his face when he got on his knees and begged me to not leave him. And I remember the feeling of my cheeks burning when his family joked about me joining their family at a dinner. And I remember when he took me around the city to look at and try engagement rings. I remember the ring we picked. And I remember trying it on. I remember…

Many of my friends think it’s just about me wanting to get married. They think all will be solved if I just find a good guy and get married. But what they don’t understand is that it’s not about getting married. It was about marrying him.

I fell in love. He made me the happiest, most secure, most comfortable woman I could ever be. And I promised to myself, and I promised to God, that I would marry him and never look at another man again. And I was done. I had found my life partner. It wasn’t about getting married. It was about getting married to HIM. It was about spending my life with HIM.

Being in a couple is hard. Committing, making sacrifices, it’s hard. But if it’s the right person then it’s easy. Looking at that girl and knowing that’s all you really want out of life, that should be the easiest thing in the world and if it’s not like that… Then she’s not the one.

-Marshall, How I Met Your Mother

Looking at him …I was done, it was easy. Even with all the obstacles in our way, I never once thought about not having him by my side. Because although our problems were hard; knowing that he was the man I was going to end up with, that was the easiest thing in the world. I looked at him and knew he was the one.

And then he was gone, and I still don’t know the reason. I know him enough to know that what he said at the time were excuses. But the real reason, till date, I do not know.

I guess the hardest part …is coming to terms with the fact that the man I love is gone; and the man I see everywhere, is not him.

Courtesy of Can I Keep You…