October 24th Scorpio:
April 30, 2012 to May 02, 2012
Oddly enough, you’ll be exactly where you need to be and exactly when you need to be there to meet the person who’s exactly right for you. Dress appropriately.
Great! And I’ve been cooped up at home resting my sprained ankle since April 30th. So much for that forecast.
So when I finally write without any hesitation for whose reading it, I come face to face with the fact that there are some who read this blog. And that causes me to sit here for half an hour staring at the blank space not knowing what to write.
She said he probably also reads this “when he’s bored.” Hah. The humor in that is undeniable. My response, “doesn’t he have a LIFE!?” Well… maybe he does, maybe he doesn’t. There’s really no way of me knowing this. Do I care that sometimes I write as if I’m addressing him, and he may read it? Not particularly. I may write in that way but it’s mostly an outlet for my feelings which start boiling over in the form of questions leaving me with no choice but to put them down in words. My outlet: The blog.
This is my diary. This is where I share my views. This is my life story as it unfolds.
We used to joke about how he’d one day publish a book on me. I was a creature that must be studied. Well, he may have dropped the idea but my idea that I should record my life before I forget it all still remains. For those who know me, know that I have the worst memory known to mankind …or to them at least. Hence, I’m writing so that one day when I’m old and grey haired, I’ll open this up as well as my old diaries and read up on the memories long faded by then.
It was an interesting bonding experience that I shared my old diaries with the Scorpion. It made him understand and appreciate me in a way I never could’ve explained. He still thinks he knows me well. He does, to an extent. I’ve changed a lot but then again, the basic core remains the same. The one who understands that core, can understand most of the complicated decisions flowing through that core. Strangely, the grundnorm is coming to mind. Anyway! It was an experiment I thought to conduct and I made myself completely vulnerable to him. Maybe that’s why towards the end, I became so paranoid that I made myself completely believe that he was cheating on me. And I made mistakes.
After that, I swore to myself to never become that kind of person again. And I never was, nor will I ever be. I was tempted often and I was falsely accused when I rejected the temptations. I’m glad I had enough trust in the next relationship for it to withstand such accusations. Unfortunately for me, I was so scared of being cheated on. I held on too tight. And punished too severely. I don’t think we really recovered from the damage I caused. But the damage kept coming. Sometimes by me, sometimes by him. Eventually it became about keeping score. After that, no matter how many ‘talks’ we had, he could never stop being spiteful towards me. I think it was partly in his nature, or maybe I had created a monster? But when he called his then Ex a ‘flirt’, I knew he hadn’t changed one bit.
The same way that my past experiences led to my outlook on certain things, so did his. He saw every girl as either a psycho or a slut. In the beginning, our fights were even about me being a ‘flirt’. Strange since he was one guy with whom I was completely faithful. I’m pretty sure his Ex probably wasn’t a flirt. He still thinks like that. That every girl is a flirt. The same way that as soon as I was added to the list of exs, I became a ‘psycho’. That was the first time though. Maybe this time, I’m the ‘flirt’/ slut. Most of the battles were about making him understand that ever since being with him, I had stopped noticing other guys. I don’t know whether it was his own guilt about flirting or noticing other girls (although we used to check out girls together as a joke-covered way for me to let him know that looking at them is okay), or something in his own life that never let him believe me.
But I have come to a place in my life where even if you take me back to certain decisions that I call mistakes, I wouldn’t change them. My mistakes, as well as the good things I did make me who I am. I wouldn’t change that. As for the mistakes I made with him, there are small things I would change. But then again, the reason why that relationship is more important to me than any other, is because it was passionate. We lived through our emotions. We were impulsive. We were crazy. We pushed each other. We supported each other. We made each other practical. We were there when life took impossible, painful turns. I wouldn’t trade that for the world.
If a man can be properly said to love something, it must be clear that he feels affection for it as a whole, and does not love part of it to the exclusion of the rest.
And I would do it all again in a heartbeat. April 30th, 2008 – to eternity and beyond.