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I’ve been reading this horoscope every day since March 27th and not understanding the meaning.

October 24th Scorpio:
March 27, 2012 to May 02, 2012

Hear that? It’s the sound that shakes the skies just seconds before they’re illuminated by a bright light. That’s what’s going on inside you — and if you deny it, you’ll only be postponing the inevitable. Why bother? Take cover, and prepare for the next rumble.

Well! I felt it yesterday: The impending doom, the rumble before the storm. I can’t quite figure out which direction the storm is going to come from. I just know that it’s coming and I have no idea how to prepare for it nor how to stop it.

All I know is …that I miss him. I shouldn’t have done it but last night, I was cleaning out my hard drive and I came across the pictures. I knew I shouldn’t open the pictures but I had to organize the folder and I ended up looking at each picture a couple of times due to the damn copies. What did I notice again and again? The happiness in the eyes. In a few pictures, I noticed the similarity in our faces. The eyes were bright and lit with happiness, the smiles were full of joy. There was no repression, there was no force. It was all love. I realize now what others saw in us. If I saw a couple like that, I’d feel it too. I’d poke fun at them for the mushiness, I’d look at them and want that love and I’d hope for them, that they always cherish something so beautiful and rare.

I also saw something else. I saw the difference in him. He was younger, more goofy, boyish looking, happier somehow; less burdened with responsibilities or so it seems to me. Now, he looks angry, worried. There is an arrogance there that can be seen as well as is felt by others. I don’t understand why people come up to me to complain about how he was rude to them. What do they expect me to say? I knew him as sweet, considerate, loving. I don’t know this person with the attitude who isn’t friendly to you. And then while they come up to me and tell me he’s an “asshole” because he showed them attitude, the next day I come across them all as the best of friends. I don’t understand what people think my involvement in the matter is.

I don’t want girls he’s flirting with at the same party to come up to me and talk about how he’s a “jerk” for hitting on them right in front of me, his ex. There’s nothing for me to comment in that situation. He’s free to do as he pleases, whether he has a girlfriend or has me in the same vicinity. I have no right to say anything on the matter. Nor do I have the right to feel anything, which is why I turn it all off when he’s around. During that time period, I’m not Boo. I’m just Maheen, someone who doesn’t know him and who he doesn’t know. It’s my convenient mechanism for whenever I bump into him, which is too damn often – small cities. But it always works. And luckily for me, he keeps his distance. That one night was a one-off thing, and it didn’t help either of us.

And then to push him out, there are distractions. Okay, they are guys. But I’m going to call them distractions because that’s the kind of relationships that have formed.

The Bull: The friend who began the friendship only because he wanted more. And when I laid it out plainly, it was never going to be a yes, I was given the ultimatum: Something more than friendship or nothing at all. Little did I know that upon my honest response of – it’s up to him, my answer remains ‘no’ – he would go and thwart the chances of anyone else even trying.

The Crab: He’s confused me from the beginning. When we met, I was in that phase where I knew anything I start would be a rebound. And to save others grief, I kept my distance. I found out later that he had recently come out of a relationship too. I don’t know the details but it made sense for him to be so …passive. But then the little hints like the non-date coffee. Or was it a date? See! I still don’t know. Because the next time I saw him, was he so thrown off that I showed up with The Bull that he gave her a peck that was laughed at for being odd, awkward and uncalled for? And then asking me about The Bull and I? I’m glad he did ask because it gave me the chance to clarify any misunderstandings that might have been holding him back. And then he did keep coming and sitting with me now and then. I still think it was because he invited me and felt he should entertain me. But a part of me thinks that there’s something there. I just get a feeling. Usually my feelings about these things are right. Friends seem to agree but we also agree that he’s different than the others I’ve been with.

He’s mature, I appreciate that. The something I felt but didn’t realize till she pointed it out i.e. that he gave me space but also came to sit with me now and then. He walked with me when everyone was ahead of us. He carried my bag which to be honest was quite heavy due to those damn wet jeans. There are little signs that makes one wonder. But then there’s me, telling myself that it’s in my head; we’re just friends.

Maybe that’s what I want. Or maybe it’s just the usual me protecting myself in case of disappointment.

I tried the jumping in it with honesty. That didn’t go too well. Relationships need time. One can’t just jump in with everything one’s got. Those situations lead to boredom.

Hence, The Scales: He was confused and kept asking if he’d done something wrong. The thing is, the old Maheen is back. The one who doesn’t take anyone that seriously. So whatever happened between him and I. I got what I wanted, and he has nothing left to offer. I don’t know how guys do it: The whole disappearing thing. I just feel like a bad person if I completely disappear so now and then I reply. But otherwise, I’m done and I don’t really care if he feels something for me or not. It may be cold but it’s true. Maybe he shouldn’t have been so eager to rush into things.

I guess he thought I’d be one of those girls who gets hung up on guys after. I’m not. In fact, it’s a sure-fire way to turn me off. The only thing that keeps me hooked, it’s the respect. The respect for yourself as well as me. The high standards and set principles. If you chase tail, I have no respect for you. Therefore, you are a toy to be played with and left when I’m done. No hard feelings. But then there are the ones that have struggled. The ones with aim in life and an appreciation for struggle. They want no pity. And they command admiration. Now THAT, is a man to keep.

And THAT is what led me to love.

To love is to admire with the heart; and to admire, is to love with the mind.

-Theophile Gautier

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