It was like this last time: Always keeping busy and putting on that smile to push away the sadness. It’s like that again. It will always be like that. It’s unrelenting. It’s how my life seems to be turning out. I keep trying to tell myself to at least be grateful that I felt that love. So many people go on in this world never having experienced such raw, passionate, fearsome love; I should be happy that I was lucky to have it. But it’s so hard to hold on to that thought. The only one that remains constant, is that I miss him. And that I’ll always love him. Till the ground finally decides to take me into its arms and lay me down to sleep, forever. But we said eternity… maybe it won’t stop even then.
I miss you. I have been so busy with everyday life that I haven’t had much time to sit and wallow in my sadness but it is still there, always. And I am rarely alone anymore so even if I am sad I don’t have the luxury to let it ‘show’. And it pretty much fucking sucks. I don’t know how much longer this fake will hold up.
I am so exhausted from holding everything back and putting on a happy face that I can hardly keep my eyes open when I do hit the pillow at night. Of course that is when the silence signals the loudness in my head to start. So a tossin’ and a turnin’ we go until around 5am-ish when I finally have tossed and turned my mind and body to complete exhaustion. I have the most UN-restful sleep I have had my entire life…
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