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She said it would hurt. She said it would bring on a new kind of pain. I’d forgotten that I still had that mile marker to cross. It would’ve been smarter on my part to have crossed that marker before I let him go.

I finally understand what she meant. It is a new kind of pain. Just when I thought I was moving on, the ground gets pulled out from under me. I hadn’t let it happen. It hadn’t been just about him but also about what I felt and how I thought that love deserved some respect.

I threw that respect out the window. And the window shattered into a million pieces, leaving me to pull out the shards from a depth I never realised.

It felt like the first time all over again. I don’t remember what happened. It’s like a memory I’ve subconsciously decided to block. I don’t remember what lead to it all. I don’t remember the feelings. It’s all a giant hole of meaninglessness.

She told me I would cry. I held them back for as long as I could, but I couldn’t stop looking at the damn ring. I couldn’t help feeling it weigh down on me. So empty, now so meaningless. He asked me why I was quiet. How could I possibly say what I was thinking? All I could do was touch the ring. And feel my soul weighing down on me.

It’s final now, isn’t it? Now I can’t claim to hold that respect for a love now completely tainted.

I think that’s why I went through with it. I thought to myself, it’s gone. It’s lost and I’m simply holding on to a ghost. That space I had left hollow for a love, out of respect for a love, that I always hoped would come fill it again. Now, tainted by a stranger.

It took just once, and it’s all gone. Now the empty, it’s all a different kind of empty.

Little do men perceive what solitude is, and how far it extendeth. For a crowd is not company, and faces are but a gallery of pictures, and talk but a tinkling cymbal, where there is no love.

-Francis Bacon

And to turn over and see the face of another, now that is a pain I can never explain…

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