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A time for everything and everything its place

Return what was once lost through time and space.
-Charmed

I wouldn’t let myself lose faith. It was where my thoughts would go but every time I just wouldn’t let myself. For the past year I have been lost. I have cried and begged and prayed. Yet I felt abandoned. I begged for a second chance and every day ended with disappointment.

I always forget, don’t I? I always forget that You have never failed me. I am simply human. I am impatient. I wanted the second chance and I wanted it right away even though I knew that the time wasn’t right. Deep down, I knew.

Now, I see. I see that I was wrong to be impatient. It had to happen in its own time.

Yet now again I am lost. Lost in him. Lost in a space where I am not his, nor am I no one to him. The image of him has faded. The love still burning strong.

Where he knows it all, I only get glimpses. Glimpses of a love sometimes in the past, sometimes still within him. I thought holding back was the right path to take. But I felt that letting go was the right thing to do. I have always given my everything. What would be the point of holding back now? If these are the only moments I will have in my lifetime, I’m going to take of him as much as I can.

But they’re not wrong. I know that I will lose myself again. Part of me reckless, part me of reasoning. I need Your guidance. I need answers. I need You to show me the right path.

At first he spoke of her as if he didn’t care, I kept myself grounded, this conversation wasn’t about me. It was an attempt at re-connection. Was it selfish? I dare not wonder, that would simply cause me pain. Yet I sat there and I gave advice. I spoke as if only for him and I forgot of myself. And then he let it slip. He did care. In all fairness, he was with her for around eight months. He must have cared. But to have to hear about it, I felt like I was being suffocated. I wanted to run but I’ve never run when he’s needed me. I couldn’t do it now.

She hurt him but you know what, he was in a relationship with her. Just because I was his pillar doesn’t mean every girl is willing to do that. He had admitted that he’d never find someone who would do so much for him. And for everything I did, I believe he was right.

But to have to hear of something I wasn’t even a part of. To have to hear what he did or did not share with her. That was not my place. Nor did I or do I ever want to be there again.

This new twist of fate. It’s bitter-sweet. And though I’d give him my all, there is no worth for it if he can’t want it all. It all comes back to faith. He brought this change in my life at the time it was meant to happen despite my protests. Now, He will bring another change, when it is time.

Till then, I’m not his, nor am I no one.

A lesson borrowed from Can I Keep You…

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