I shake, I shudder, I struggle to breathe. A struggle to be still. A struggle to make my heart stop beating so fast. A struggle to stop feeling the way I’m feeling.
I can’t stand this loss of control over myself. Over my emotions, over my thoughts, over my body. I keep trying to gain control but nothing makes sense and I am left without answers.
Answers to the fears, answers to the hopes, answers to the meaning.
Each one of them in fear. It makes me feel more numb than anything. While they felt shock, I felt elation. And now, while they feel fear. I feel numb.
There are only two paths left. And I will have no control over which my heart will take. One begins and ends with you. And the other, ends with coming to terms with the fact that it was all a lie. Lies I was told, lies I told, and lies I felt. All of it, a lie.
How can what I feel be wrong? How can what feels right be so wrong? How can I go through it all with it turning out to mean nothing. What would I have learnt at the end? That I lie? That the biggest lies are what we tell ourselves?
Did I lie to myself when I felt love? Was I that deep in denial to reality that I could not see myself going down a useless path? Why would a human being be put through all this if not for a reason?
If I was to learn something from it all. I can assure you of this, I’m not there yet. I have not reached the place everyone thinks I have. I’m just that great at putting on an act for my loved ones. Yes, I realise it hurts you to know that. But enough is enough. It’s time you know. I’m right where I was in the beginning. And when it’s all said and done, I’ll be right here.
Now, I leave it all up to God. For whenever I’ve become aware of my faith. He has rewarded me with turning my hopes to reality. And this weekend, I became aware of my faith. And he rewarded me with a day.
For now, I just hope to be able to be still. And all my other hopes? I can’t even say them to myself …how can I ever explain them to you.