Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.
A year has passed since the mourning began. Mourning for the death of a love. Mourning for the death of a relationship.
The five stages that have been described for people dealing with grief, I relate them to the mourning I have felt which started a year ago in February 2010. For me, the stages have been fluid. They cannot be separated and they flow into each other without break – hard to identify.
The denial began from the moments leading up till when it actually happened. I was in denial for the first two months where I felt calm. The pain was something that hadn’t kicked in yet. Life was moving on and so was I.
I met a boy and for those two months, breathing wasn’t as difficult. He was my distraction. A distraction from the pain. A replacement of you. But the funny thing about pain… it doesn’t stay down for too long. It came in waves, slowly rising. Like bubbles surfacing through my very being and every time, I went to him to push them back down. It became harder as time went on. As the denial faded. As reality set in. He wasn’t you.
Then came the day that the pain became impossible to bear. I had to find you. And though I looked, and I begged, and I pushed, and I tore myself open in front of you, I couldn’t find you. And the moment I thought I lost you, I found you, or at least I thought I did. But it was only a part of you. You showed enough to break my heart all over again. And then you looked into my eyes as if searching for a reason. I guess you found it, because then you walked away. Not just yet though. You came back to look once again. But in your intoxication, you left your heart behind. I found you in that moment that you called me ‘baba’ and I felt all the love we had shared. I made myself agree in that moment that I would be happy, because you asked it of me. You asked me to let you go. I had promised you the world. How could I deny you this?
You were gone with those parting kisses. And I was broken beyond repair.
Anger is something that never came. I waited for it. Sometimes I fear that I’m still in denial. How could I be angry at you? I couldn’t deny you happiness, how could I be angry at you for asking it of me? There were moments when I thought you lied. It had been a game for you. And you had gotten bored. All those promises of forever had meant nothing to you. But then I remembered your words, your eyes, your soul. I couldn’t find the anger anymore.
You asked me to be happy. To live life. So I tried. I met another boy. You had taunted me before but I was completely honest. It happened much later. While people around us saw it, in my mind, I was still yours. But I thought I let you go, and I went to him. That evening we saw you, and you saw us. You asked her if I was happy? You said it hurt to see us. You told him I was a ‘keeper’.
That night I felt anger. That night I felt betrayal. You were gone. Yet you came to him to tell him that I was a keeper? It hurt you to see us act like you and I had once upon a time. Why were you insisting on putting us both through this pain? Why didn’t you stay if I was such a ‘keeper’?
You asked me to ignore your family. Yet you had decided to be civil. How could I disrespect your family, after you had tried to make me a part of it? They are a part of you, and for that I respect them, for that I love them, and for that I cherish them. Your little brother was like my own, and I couldn’t turn away from the bond I had created because of your love …because of our love.
I had already experienced that bargaining is the longest and hardest stage for me. It never passes, and I can never let us go. Bargaining was when I spent that whole day. I let myself go before your eyes. I gave you all I could. The woman you knew who could never let her ego go, forgot it’s existence at your feet. And now I remember those eyes. Those brown eyes that stared into mine. I’m still not sure if you were searching for a reason to leave, or a reason to stay. But on that night, I felt you melt under my touch. And I broke under yours. My knees were weak, and I would have given you my life if you had asked.
Sometimes I think the bargaining never ends. The depression never sets in. The acceptance is but a mere illusion in the far off distance.
It has been a year. You still haunt me. Sometimes I fear that you’ll never stop. And in the moments that I think you have, I beg for you to come haunt me again.
It has been a year. My heart is as it was in February 2010. I would still melt. I’m still barely holding on to life. And I still wish. Wish that you’d come and breathe life back into me.[youtube http://youtu.be/DChHEf0lpEE]