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Even last time, I wondered whether your way worked for you. When I asked it of you, I never understood your explanation. I guess it was something I had to experience myself.

I finally understood it to some extent. Thanks to last night, I now realise why denial is your best friend. Because you had help. You never gave yourself enough time to form thoughts of me. At work, so focused on work. And at night, when it gets bad – the way it does for me, the way you said it did for you – you simply keep going till your mind can’t keep a steady thought. Isn’t that what you said? That you’d have it so much till all you could do was just fall asleep.

And those times you had to see me? It all makes sense now, why you needed it. Because once you’ve reached that place in your mind, even the bad thoughts don’t linger for long.

Last night was an experiment. I tried so hard to force my mind to linger on you. But it just wouldn’t steady. It kept jumping from one thought to the next.

One thing that you failed to mention – you may not have lingered as a steady thought, but you were always there. In between the other thoughts, my mind always came back to you.

It makes sense then that you were so calm when you came to see me for the last time. Did the thought that those were our last moments together not linger? Could your mind not steady itself on the thought that it was the last time we’d taste sweetness?

What had happened that night? You had gone about your usual way – not stopping till you find peace in sleep? And what happened, you decided it was okay to have one last time? You convinced yourself that you were doing it for me? And what did it get you? Moments where your mind can’t linger on the thought of me. Moments in which everything that was said, that happened, were erased when you woke up the next morning.

I tried it your way. Like I said to you before, you live with your denial.

At least I have felt LOVE.

In all its blissful glory. In all its passionate fire. And now, in all its excruciating pain.

And I have felt the real you. The one that didn’t need some thing… to hold him together.

And I have felt love.

Be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid.
-Goethe

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