Tags

, , ,

My daily Scorpio forecast for today, Oct. 17, 2011, where Mars squares Venus predicts this:

You won’t be budged from your hot pursuit of whatever (or whoever) you’re after for any reason. That includes their express wishes, your state of physical or emotional exhaustion or even the restraints of society. You should, however, consider apologizing — if you can get them to listen.

Now there are some words that stuck out to me but I could just be trying to clutch on to anything that will assist me in keeping certain hopes alive. Either way, after last nights dream, to be pointed out that I won’t budge from the pursuit of whoever I’m after is true. It is a fact I have learnt to accept, for as long as I need it. The fact that I won’t be budged from that pursuit despite ‘their’ express wishes, my emotional exhaustion nor and most importantly, despite, the restraints of ‘society’ – has all proven to be true.

The funny thing is, after reading that old notebook with our thoughts about the problems in our relationship and then with last nights dream, the one thing I realised was that although I kept telling myself at the time that I wasn’t taking him for granted; I did. I did everything I had told myself I wouldn’t do and I convinced myself that the mistakes were only his and only he had to learn from them.

I was wrong. When I read everything I wrote down in reply to what he needed from me (which was what our discussion was about), I didn’t recognise myself. Who was this person thinking all these ridiculous thoughts!? Some points were valid but mostly, all I saw was ego. And you have no idea how funny that is, considering I always made such a big deal about how I had put MY ego aside and he hadn’t. “There is no ego in love” – well Maheen, you broke your own principle. I guess I stopped letting myself go in front of him. That’s why when he’d melt, there was such a difference between the way he’d be and the stand-offish way I’d be.

I took ‘us’ for granted because then as I read on, I saw his responses. And they just made me smile. Because he heard me. He heard every word and he understood every word. There was no ego there, only love.

And then the silly drawings! They made me laugh while tearing up at the same time. There was love. I had forgotten that he loved me. With everything that had happened since February, I had forgotten who he was. And in those doodles and drawing, in his writing my nickname, I found him again. I found the memories again and before going to sleep, all I prayed for was that God would send him to me in my dreams. The guy who wrote those things, who made those drawings, who wrote L-O-V-E in random places in the page where you can’t tell it says ‘LOVE’ unless you really stare at the page, the guy who drew a house and a mailbox with his name and mine on it, the one with whom I shared dreams of the future. And God heard me. I saw him and he was exactly the way I remembered him to be when he made those doodles and was a dork.

So after all that, I finally realise.

You should, however, consider apologizing — if you can get them to listen.

Although I’ve tried, but I know that I can’t get him to listen. But I’ll say it anyway.

I’m sorry for taking you for granted. I’m sorry for bringing my ego in where it had no place and I’m sorry for being afraid of letting you have control sometimes. I know we had our problems with regard to the control and I know that I wouldn’t give in the reigns, but it wasn’t a competition. There was supposed to be balance and although I always told you that you had to find the balance, I’m sorry for forgetting that I was in the relationship just as much as you were; I had to find the balance too. I’m sorry for not appreciating your love as much as you needed. I remember when there was a big issue, I used to refuse to accept your apology but you getting on your knees and being so genuine used to melt me every time.

I know that in the end, you took the blame all on yourself and said that it was all because of your immaturity. Well no, I won’t let you take all the blame. You weren’t in the mistakes alone. We both made mistakes. I’m sorry for not learning from mine. And so, here I am, on my knees, not expecting for you to melt but just asking for forgiveness. I’m sorry.

Advertisements