Why Why WHY? I don’t get it! I talk to him once on the phone and he seems concerned about me a little bit and I miss him all over again. Isn’t it supposed to be harder on him than me? I mean I’m the one who ended it and I had reasons. The why is it that he’s moved on and I seem stuck. I know it’s wrong but seeing him everyday be close to the people he’s always been close to while me being just another face in the crowd in a way is…I dunno, frustrating! The more I talk to him the harder it gest to pretend to be happy. I can’t handle being around him without wanting to be with him again and I know for sure that I can’t. Was I wrong for letting him go? I was confused when I did and I’m confused now. I hate feeling this way.
Today I was talking to P and she just made me realize everything I’ve been feeling everytime I’m around him. I miss the safe feeling he gave me and knowing that he was there, that he cared. I miss making him happy, making him smile. I miss so much and there no way I can have it and I’m so scared I’ll never meet a guy like him. Yes there were qualities he lacked but he was such an amazing guy and I miss him. I still remmeber his last words before I left – ” You’re making a mistake”. What if I did make a mistake!?!? I can’t go back now and I don’t know how to move on. The other thing I can’t handle is the jealousy. It’s too much and it won’t go away. He so much closer to A and P and deep down I always knew he was closer to them than he was to me but there being his gf and him liking me made it seem like I was close to him. Now I realize I never was and never will be. I can’t even begin to imagine how crazy I’ll go when school starts and his little admirer starts hitting on him full time. I’ll be bitter and won’t be able to concentrate on my studies. I wish I could regret ever going out with him but I can’t because I was happy and it wasn’t something I hated.
I hate being confused!!!