Sometimes I feel like the world would be better off with emotions.
Yes I know many people say I don’t talk much but the reason is that I believe it’s better to talk about something I really care or feel strongly about rather than talk about pointless meaningless things. When I don’t talk it’s because people laugh. Yes I often hear the phrase “You know I’m only joking, right?” NO I don’t actually. Joking is when you laugh about something about a person that they also think is silly. When you laihg and ‘joke’ about something a person feels strongly about its less ‘joking’ and more ‘making-fun-of’. And no it’s not just one person who can say “Oh she likes this and that…” and you laugh along with them, it’s more of – “..yea I know! It’s stupid…” and so-on-and-so-forth. That’s right, that’s called ‘making-fun-of’ because you’re making fun of something dear to someone’s heart. You don’t know them well enough to make fun of something they care about so much, and so you have no right to laugh at them about it.
I talk often but with people who I know either care or are nice enough to laugh in my face. If you disgaree or dislike something I like, then go ahead and express your opinion about you disliking it. But don’t go on forever. I get tired of it, and you’re not changing my opinion but making me hostile towards you instead. I am who I am, so accept it and stop laughing at me for it. If you don’t like me then stop pretending you even give a crap about who I am and leave me alone. Yes that’s right, you’re probably thinking how ’emo’, well judge me however you like, not everybody in the world is like you and not everybody in the world likes the same music, movies or TV shows as you. Get over it and stop bugging them about it!
One other thing I’d like to add is when you want to ask “What wrong?” ask because you care. Do not ask because you’re trying to show how considerate you are. If you do care then you would actually ask again and again will the person gives an answer because deep down inside no matter how many “Nothing”s you get, you know there is something wrong and the person just needs time to put it into words. Usually people say it out of duty to the title ‘friend’ but !Newsflash!, if you can’t be bothered to ask for as long as it takes for the person to answer, you don’t care as much as much about them being upset than you think.
OKAY, so with that out of the way.
There is a graveyard that we pass every morning on our way to Shifa. Ami always says how she hasn’t been there in so long and so we finally decided to go on monday after Shifa. So today Ami, Mara and I went to the graveyard and as we were entering the gate I felt really strange.
I suddenly remembered that afternoon again when I went upstairs into Mara and Ush’s room to find them there with Shez. They asked me what was going on and I told them, “Zafar Maamo died”. Wow, we were so young it’s even sadder now because the only that comes to me is the one of him in the wheelchair in the F-7 house asking for someone to bring me a ‘Twix’. I remember being all excited and also thinking that he’s the only maamo that gives me candy. The next memory of him is in the hospital. Just the waiting room, his room and the color of Natasha Apa’s “friend”s Adil bhai’s jacket.The I remember her and Aunty’s argument. Next comes Ashi Khala’s or her brother’s wedding. I remember us all being in Tahir maamo’s car and what happened between him and Sherri Bhai.
Man this is so messed up! It’s so unfair. I’ll never see Zafar Maamo again and we all lost him when he still had half of his life to live. I have a Nani who I can’t even remember and a brother I never met. He would have been a year older than me; I would ahve had an elder brother. I wonder if we would have been a ‘family’. I guess we’ll never know.
We went to the graves and left some rose petals on them and on my request, “Agarbattis” I said my Salaams and I said my Allah Hafizes. When we were walking towards Sharjeel’s grave, I thought how I wish I could spend all day sitting my his grave, maybe reading the Quran and a book to him. I wonder if he would have liked Harry Potter. I wondered what star sgin he would have been. I felt like asking Nani, “What do you think about Ami’s highlights, Nani?”, asking her if I’ve ever disappointed her in any way. Although I can never know what the answers to those questions would have been, I can still pray that Allah give them peace, forgive their sins and that our wrongdoings not cause them any kind of suffering. I miss you Nani, Maamo and Bhai.
Yes, this may all seem like I’m being ungrateful or too emotional but I’m not. Life is unfair and it is good. The good always comes with the bad and yet it seems like the bad stays longer, but afterwards the good is something to look forward to. I may complain about a lot of things in my life but I am also very thankful for a million things more, which I couldn’t even begin to thank Allah for so I will always pray for forgiveness for when I am ungrateful. I will also pray and be thankful and grateful for all the good things in my life that I am so fortunate to have.