Subconsciously

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I think my mind is confused. I think it’s no longer about you. No… wait… I KNOW it is no longer about you. I have come a long way from the days where you were always in the back of my mind to the days that I’d think about you at least once a day to now where the only time you’re on my mind is when you’re haunting my dreams… nightmares?

I know its not my subconscious playing “us” out on repeat in my dreams because I want you. I could never want the man you have become: The man I wanted is long gone or maybe he never even existed. He was an ideal and you were just a boy.

Besides the point.

So then why the dreams? Why the constant replay of what happened and how? And why bring up all those emotions all over again? I think it’s because my mind has decided to equate you with love. To it, you are the epitome of love. So in equating you and your behavior towards me with love itself, it has deduced that this is the way love is going to treat me. In doing so, it drudges up feelings felt as history took place and equates them with what love will feel like in the future. In essence, damaging hope that may exist and sabotaging itself.

Mind: I’ve got news for you! Love is not cruelty, love is not pain, love is not ego, love is not spite, love is not amusement. No one person is the idea of love or love itself. Love changes as people change and no two loves are ever the same; two people are never the same. You are never the same. There is no shame in hope, no sadness in want and no benefit in self sabotage. Let him go for he is not love. Let love go because it will come back in its own time. Keep hope alive because …well without hope, you’re not living, just barely breathing.

For him, you will be the light at the end of the tunnel, the halo of glowing yellow that he has been waiting for. Never forget that you are someone worth steering for, someone worth the swift kick in the opposite direction worth all of the trials and checklists and almostrights because you are a mountaintop, the crush of violet on skin from a rainbow that seems so close to the earth that it must be real. When he comes to you, gorge on his compassion. Fill yourself completely. He will think you a miracle, a revelation and will count himself as the lucky one. Do not question him or yourself — this is exactly the kind of love you deserve.

- Cody Gohl, The Soulmate You Deserve

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